Fucking Hipsters

Good day all. It’s been so long that I don’t even remember the last topic I wrote about. Well that’s just awesome now isn’t it. I’ve been rather busy though. Played the Ram’s Head Live with my buddies in the now legendary Double Tap (facebook.com/wearedoubletap) and watching the NBA playoffs. Not to mention that college has been a big help to me not writing. Like I really wanna write a 5 page paper or give a speech on what I want to do with the rest of my life. College is like a fat woman sitting on a porch swing. Sure it works for a little bit, but it looks awful and you know at some point, that poor swing is gonna give out. Luckily the fat woman has enough padding of the ass to cushion the blow. Unlucky for the rest of the world however when she starts a small earthquake. Anyway, my beef today is not with college. No, my beef is with hipsters. Especially these fucking idiots who go to open mics at coffee houses and think that they’ve made some sort of social commentary with their moronic songs about saving trees and going green. Honestly, the only green that I would like to save but never know how to is money. So let’s get down to it now shall we?

Point Number One : Who the fuck do you think you are?

These arty farty little twats sit there and drink their soy tea and eat their vegan bullshit (which, by the way, just ends up giving a normal human being a massive case of explosive shits) and taking notes of things people say. WHY!?!?! The thing of it is, they all take themselves way too seriously. That’s the thing that really gets to me. They sit there and listen to you sure, but don’t dare try to tell a joke or something. This goes against the message of good will to all people. We aren’t here to have fun, this is serious. FUCK OFF! It’s an open mic. You are not Bob Dylan. Hell, Bob Dylan isn’t Bob Dylan anymore (have you heard him recently? Wow? Like someone took a bone saw to his vocal chords). Stop thinking that you are getting through to people. No one is listening to your lyrics. If you are looking for me or any other normal human to sit there and pick apart your words of heartache over a wal mart being built on what used to be a park, you are sorely mistaken. Life is not that bad you bunch of ass bags. Quit being hard ons and enjoy yourselves. Write that down.

Point Number 2 : LEARN HOW TO PLAY YOUR FUCKING INSTRUMENT!

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been to one of these things and seen someone go up to the mic and not have a fucking clue as to what they are doing. Most of the time it’s these girls who think they are cute and can win over a crowd with there looks alone. And this is where these people become hypocritical, IT FUCKING WORKS!!!!!! These fucktarded dudes with their torn up Bob Marley shirts go up to these bratty little twits and say, “Your music is so profound baby, it makes me wanna go out and save Dolphins.” The only thing I can say to that is, unless you get Don Shula outta retirement there is no hope for the Dolphins. (Bing it) And the girls fall all over them because they think they are actually hearing what they have to say, when in all honesty, he just wants to get his dick wet. The dudes also smell too. What the fuck is that about? Do you think it makes you real? I’ll tell you fucks what, if you can afford guitar strings, you can afford soap. Deal with it.

Point Number 3 : Please, safely remove your head from your ass and take a look around!

This is the most important part so pay attention you lot of leaf eating, tea drinking butt cheeks, IT’S NOT 1967 ANYMORE!!!!!!! We tried to peace and love, it didn’t work. If Imagine by John Lennon didn’t change anything, what in the holy fuck makes you think your stupid song about a shit filled creek is gonna change anything? It’s pointless to think you are making a difference from some coffee house that no one knows about. That’s another thing, they want to change the world with their “music” but they don’t want anyone to know where they hang out? WHAT SENSE DOES THAT MAKE!?!?!?!?! You can’t send a “message” to the people unless they hear it. “Oh, I don’t want the common person to hear this stuff cause they might not understand it.” My dude, no one is hearing it. This is because you feel like having a following will make you a sell out. Only problem is, you need to make money to be a sell out you fucking post hippie shit fuck. And when the fuck did the ukulele become the instrument of choice? All of these pompous knob heads are playing songs on ukulele. Even Eddie Vedder which, don’t get me started on him. That is truly a whole other blog. But, I saw someone doing The Immigrant Song by Led Zeppelin on ukulele. It was fucking horrid. I would rather have my taint ripped out by a chain hooked up to an 18 wheeler and painfully bleed to death while shitting myself on top of all of that then hear that shit again.

My point to all this is, STOP TAKING YOURSELF SERIOUSLY. Most of the time, when you get to know these people, you find out they are over-privileged kids, who’s parents buy them anything they want while living in their nice 4 story house. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO BE ANGRY ABOUT? Daddy making you get a job because you are a thirty year old still living in the basement and he’s threatened to cut the trust fund unless you do something with your life? Bottom line, I’m all for anger and expressing it (i.e. this blog), but when everything in your life is good, it’s hard to take you seriously. So grow up, clean up and most importantly, shut up.

Well that’s all people. Join me next time when I discuss people who think bleaching their asshole is a perfect idea. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Piss off!

This is how I like to see these things!

Tags: Angry, Bob, Coffee, Dolphins, Don, Dylan, Eddie, Hippie, Hipster, House, Led, Shula, Ukulele, Vedder, Zeppelin