I Can Understand Now Why Elvis Once Shot A TV!

Hey now! Hope you enjoyed that last bit of ranting. I know I sure didn’t! Today we talk about TV. Programing that is. Shitty shows. Not really movie stars. And cement brains instead of cement ponds. What the hell happened to great shows like Cheers, All In The Family, The Jeffersons? Classic shows that were groundbreaking. They made you think while they made you laugh. Now I just get more pissed off at what the fuck is going on with the state of television. So here we go…

CBS… SHUT THE FUCK UP! According to CBS, every show that debuts nowadays is a #1 smash hit. Bullshit! Let me explain this to you, Hawaii Five O was god awful in the 70′s. It sure as shit isn’t going to be any better when put into this day and age. Shows that haven’t even hit the small screen yet are already #1 mega hits for CBS yet. Go figure. I also find it funny that they believe it is necessary to have 10,000 different versions of the same show. Can you really tell me the difference between CSI New York and just plain old CSI? (I swear to god if someone says the actors I will go mad!) And nothing beats David Caruso’s one-liners in CSI Miami. There was one where some girl was involved in speed dating. The character had 15 dates in the same day she was found dead. The fabulous writers added this gem, “Well you know what they say… Speed kills!” ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME!?!? How classic! They actually pay this guy money to spout out horse shit like this. I’d rather amputate my taint with with a plastic knife while completely sober than watch any of that shit. And who decided Marg Helgenberger was a “sex symbol”? That bitch has had so much plastic surgery, it looks like she would fit in more with the Real Housewives Of Atlanta than a “serious drama”. (And I use that loosely) CBS also has a show that’s keeping two very untalented actors above water. The Defenders starring Jerry O’Connell and Jim Belushi. Wow. First off, Jerry, stay home and enjoy the fact that you are probably the luckiest guy on the face of the earth. You’re porking Rebecca Romijn. Isn’t that good enough for ya you jack wagon? And Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim. Please stop showing your face. Every time you do, you end up showing your ass. This guy had that show According To Jim. Talk about the most recycled pile of steaming dog shit, this one is the fucking jackpot. According to this writer, Jim, fuck off. Learn your role. You were never talented, that obviously went to your brother John. But he’s dead. Stop thinking you have to carry on the name. We all remember him. We would have remembered him even if you didn’t recite one fucking line!!!! Anyway, the show debuted at…. You guessed it. NUMBER FUCKING ONE ACCORDING TO CBS!!! I’m calling bullshit on that though. Is there an executive offering out hand jobs in exchange for above average ratings on clearly average shows? Cause there is no way this shit is making it’s way into the living rooms of peoples homes. CBS just stands for Casting Bull Shit. Suck it.

Now the E channel. The only saving grace of that show is The Soup. That show gets a pass. But here is the kicker… THEY NEVER FUCKING PLAY IT!!!!! Every time I’m flicking through the guide, it’s like it’s the fucking 24 hour Kardashian network. First off, who the fuck are these hefers? Were they once on the biggest loser, cause if they were, I’d ask for my money back. Well, only the two are fat. The other one just looks like meek rat. I bet if you look hard enough in Kim’s ass, you’ll find Jimmy Hoffa!!! The point is, these sacks of hippo fecal matter shouldn’t have a show. I wouldn’t even allow them on public access and anyone is allowed on that shit. I mean, isn’t that how Chelsea Handler got her start. Cause god knows she’s as funny as watching alley rape. Hey, Chelsea, I saw you host the VMA’s this past year. Wow. So unfunny. You must have had to bang one of the higher ups to get your own late night comedy show… Oh… You did. Well that explains so much. Nevermind.

Bravo is just as bad as any other network as well. This real housewives shit is the biggest train wreck of over privileged women I’ve ever seen since those grandmothers on HBO in Hermaphrodite Dialogues also known as Sex In The City. I mean, the chicks on this show are so made up of plastic, even Barbie has to ask, “Who molds you?” But they still don’t even look good! I guarantee I could beat myself in the face repeatedly with a frying pan, have to have 10 skin graphs done and still look better than anyone of those people on any of those shows. All they do is nag about their husbands and each other. Every time I see my own mother watching that shit, I can’t help but think, couldn’t these people just remain a dick stain on their daddy’s jockey shorts?

The whole point of this entry is to point out that, as a whole, Americans watch the dumbest shit. And it’s only getting worse. Antoine Dodson, that’s right, the hide your kids guy, is supposedly in talks to get his own show. REALLY!?!?! It just goes to show that any peter popper these days can get a show just for saying the dumbest shit. No offense to Antoine. I’m sure he’s a nice guy, but really people? His life can’t be all that interesting. All he said was they were raping errbody. It’s funny sure, but is he really funny enough to have his own show? I think not. Wake up people! Turn off your dumbassness and step into the light. It’s ok. I’m not saying you have to watch The History Channel all the time cause who the fuck does? But stop putting these no talent, no class people on a pedestal and treating them like they found the fucking cure for cancer. FUCK!

Alright. I’m done. Join me next time when I will be discussing why college is so fucking expensive. I mean, they want us all to go, but they wanna charge us money that even Bill Gates would say, “How much!?”

Piss Off.