Occupy A Job You Fucking Hippie Wannabes!!!

Hey now! Welcome to angrier, more pissed off version of Life And How To Live it. No cute introduction today so let’s just get right to the point. This Occupy Wall Street is the biggest load of horse shit I’ve ever heard of in MY LIFE!!!! It’s not 1967 anymore. Protests DO NOT WORK YOU COLONIC SHIT FACES!!!! Do you really think an investor or anyone for that matter that works on Wall Street is really gonna change their ways cause 10,000 or whatever number of humiliating college kids set up shot in a park? HA! You are sorely mistaken. Now, let me clear something up right quick, I’m no fan of rich New York shitbags either. But I’m also smart enough to realize that me sitting in a park for months on end is gonna change nothing. The rich will still get richer and you mob of morons will still smell like pigeon shit and dirt.

I wanted to look into how this all got started. So upon a Google search, I read that a group of CANADIAN ACTIVISTS came up with this plan. WHEN THE FUCK DID WE START LISTENING TO ANYTHING CANADA HAD TO SAY!?!?!?!? Holy fuck youth of America. Anyway, word spread and off to the races we went with this grand idea that if a bunch of people gathered by the charging bull on Wall Street, the guys in the $900.00 suits would all of the sudden be like, “What can I do to help the poor?” NO! You know what they did? Went to their luxury offices, looked out the window and laughed at them. Guarantee you! These people are rich, what the fuck would they care weather you live or die?

Allow me to express this again, I do agree with with the message these protesters are trying to convey. For I’m part of this 99% they keep going on about. Hell, its a good day if I find a penny on the ground while I’m walking to school. But I also have the knowledge that those people don’t give a shit. That’s the simple fact of it all. Then there’s all these other places now joining on board. Not too long ago we just had the “Occupy Baltimore Demonstration.” WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU OCCUPYING HERE!?!?! VACANT HOMES AND HIGH CRIME RATES? For those of you who live in Maryland (And for those of you who don’t) I’m about to fuck you up with some truth : WE, AS A STATE, ARE BROKE!!! That’s why the Mayor of the city is trying to pass a brand new tax on bottles of soda. Take your stank asses home and shut the fuck up for humanities sake.

Here’s the bottom line, I understand what’s going on. I do. But you also need to understand, protests very rarely work. It’s a fact. Google it. Nothing has been changed because a group of naive college twits decided to invade a public area. Wow. Way to stick it to them. I hate to say it, but John Lennon was wrong. All you need is NOT love, it’s common sense. Unfortunately, in this day and age, everyone seems to allow their common sense to take a few years off. Sad.

Anyway that’s it for now. I’m sure something will piss me off again and get me to write something.

Piss Off!!!

10 Things You Love/Hate. DO IT!!!!!

Hello there. Thanks for stopping by and all that. Over the years, I’ve ranted and slagged off many things. Trust me, it’s been alot of fun. Now I wanna hear from you. Below, I’m gonna list 10 things I love and 10 things I hate. Enjoy them, then in the comments section, leave your own list. I would love to hear from you. Here we go :

10 Things I Love

1. Myself
2. Cigarettes
3. Cheers!
4. Rock and Roll
5. The Ravens (Fucking duh!)
6. Dundalk (Everything you’ve heard about this place, well it’s probably true but it makes for a hilarious story)
7. (It’s actually getting hard at this point to think of things I actually love) Manchester City
8. My friends. You guys are great.
9. Youtube. But honestly, who doesn’t love youtube?
10. Double Tap (visit us at facebook.com/wearedoubletap. DO IT!

Now the fun part

10 Things I Hate

1. Shitsburgh Steelers
2. Manchester United
3. Chicks who lie and use you to get something else they want. Fuck you
4. Lady Ga Ga
5. Hipsters. Honestly, what’s the point?
6. Rich people. What a bunch of rude fuckers. Which leads us to number 7.
7. RUDE PEOPLE! I fucking hate you.
8. Shitsburgh Steelers. Yes I understand I’ve said that already but I really hate them.
9. Glee. Fuck off already and stop ruining music. Soulless twits.
10. Disney channel stars. Your time will run out and then you’ll be just another drug addict like all those kids from Different Strokes. Have fun with that.

Well there you have it. Your turn. Don’t be shy. Put whatever it is you would like down. I’m really excited to read this. Join me next time when I go back to the regular format and piss people off. Speaking of which,

Piss off!

Fucking Hipsters

Good day all. It’s been so long that I don’t even remember the last topic I wrote about. Well that’s just awesome now isn’t it. I’ve been rather busy though. Played the Ram’s Head Live with my buddies in the now legendary Double Tap (facebook.com/wearedoubletap) and watching the NBA playoffs. Not to mention that college has been a big help to me not writing. Like I really wanna write a 5 page paper or give a speech on what I want to do with the rest of my life. College is like a fat woman sitting on a porch swing. Sure it works for a little bit, but it looks awful and you know at some point, that poor swing is gonna give out. Luckily the fat woman has enough padding of the ass to cushion the blow. Unlucky for the rest of the world however when she starts a small earthquake. Anyway, my beef today is not with college. No, my beef is with hipsters. Especially these fucking idiots who go to open mics at coffee houses and think that they’ve made some sort of social commentary with their moronic songs about saving trees and going green. Honestly, the only green that I would like to save but never know how to is money. So let’s get down to it now shall we?

Point Number One : Who the fuck do you think you are?

These arty farty little twats sit there and drink their soy tea and eat their vegan bullshit (which, by the way, just ends up giving a normal human being a massive case of explosive shits) and taking notes of things people say. WHY!?!?! The thing of it is, they all take themselves way too seriously. That’s the thing that really gets to me. They sit there and listen to you sure, but don’t dare try to tell a joke or something. This goes against the message of good will to all people. We aren’t here to have fun, this is serious. FUCK OFF! It’s an open mic. You are not Bob Dylan. Hell, Bob Dylan isn’t Bob Dylan anymore (have you heard him recently? Wow? Like someone took a bone saw to his vocal chords). Stop thinking that you are getting through to people. No one is listening to your lyrics. If you are looking for me or any other normal human to sit there and pick apart your words of heartache over a wal mart being built on what used to be a park, you are sorely mistaken. Life is not that bad you bunch of ass bags. Quit being hard ons and enjoy yourselves. Write that down.

Point Number 2 : LEARN HOW TO PLAY YOUR FUCKING INSTRUMENT!

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been to one of these things and seen someone go up to the mic and not have a fucking clue as to what they are doing. Most of the time it’s these girls who think they are cute and can win over a crowd with there looks alone. And this is where these people become hypocritical, IT FUCKING WORKS!!!!!! These fucktarded dudes with their torn up Bob Marley shirts go up to these bratty little twits and say, “Your music is so profound baby, it makes me wanna go out and save Dolphins.” The only thing I can say to that is, unless you get Don Shula outta retirement there is no hope for the Dolphins. (Bing it) And the girls fall all over them because they think they are actually hearing what they have to say, when in all honesty, he just wants to get his dick wet. The dudes also smell too. What the fuck is that about? Do you think it makes you real? I’ll tell you fucks what, if you can afford guitar strings, you can afford soap. Deal with it.

Point Number 3 : Please, safely remove your head from your ass and take a look around!

This is the most important part so pay attention you lot of leaf eating, tea drinking butt cheeks, IT’S NOT 1967 ANYMORE!!!!!!! We tried to peace and love, it didn’t work. If Imagine by John Lennon didn’t change anything, what in the holy fuck makes you think your stupid song about a shit filled creek is gonna change anything? It’s pointless to think you are making a difference from some coffee house that no one knows about. That’s another thing, they want to change the world with their “music” but they don’t want anyone to know where they hang out? WHAT SENSE DOES THAT MAKE!?!?!?!?! You can’t send a “message” to the people unless they hear it. “Oh, I don’t want the common person to hear this stuff cause they might not understand it.” My dude, no one is hearing it. This is because you feel like having a following will make you a sell out. Only problem is, you need to make money to be a sell out you fucking post hippie shit fuck. And when the fuck did the ukulele become the instrument of choice? All of these pompous knob heads are playing songs on ukulele. Even Eddie Vedder which, don’t get me started on him. That is truly a whole other blog. But, I saw someone doing The Immigrant Song by Led Zeppelin on ukulele. It was fucking horrid. I would rather have my taint ripped out by a chain hooked up to an 18 wheeler and painfully bleed to death while shitting myself on top of all of that then hear that shit again.

My point to all this is, STOP TAKING YOURSELF SERIOUSLY. Most of the time, when you get to know these people, you find out they are over-privileged kids, who’s parents buy them anything they want while living in their nice 4 story house. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO BE ANGRY ABOUT? Daddy making you get a job because you are a thirty year old still living in the basement and he’s threatened to cut the trust fund unless you do something with your life? Bottom line, I’m all for anger and expressing it (i.e. this blog), but when everything in your life is good, it’s hard to take you seriously. So grow up, clean up and most importantly, shut up.

Well that’s all people. Join me next time when I discuss people who think bleaching their asshole is a perfect idea. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Piss off!

This is how I like to see these things!

I Can Understand Now Why Elvis Once Shot A TV!

Hey now! Hope you enjoyed that last bit of ranting. I know I sure didn’t! Today we talk about TV. Programing that is. Shitty shows. Not really movie stars. And cement brains instead of cement ponds. What the hell happened to great shows like Cheers, All In The Family, The Jeffersons? Classic shows that were groundbreaking. They made you think while they made you laugh. Now I just get more pissed off at what the fuck is going on with the state of television. So here we go…

CBS… SHUT THE FUCK UP! According to CBS, every show that debuts nowadays is a #1 smash hit. Bullshit! Let me explain this to you, Hawaii Five O was god awful in the 70′s. It sure as shit isn’t going to be any better when put into this day and age. Shows that haven’t even hit the small screen yet are already #1 mega hits for CBS yet. Go figure. I also find it funny that they believe it is necessary to have 10,000 different versions of the same show. Can you really tell me the difference between CSI New York and just plain old CSI? (I swear to god if someone says the actors I will go mad!) And nothing beats David Caruso’s one-liners in CSI Miami. There was one where some girl was involved in speed dating. The character had 15 dates in the same day she was found dead. The fabulous writers added this gem, “Well you know what they say… Speed kills!” ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME!?!? How classic! They actually pay this guy money to spout out horse shit like this. I’d rather amputate my taint with with a plastic knife while completely sober than watch any of that shit. And who decided Marg Helgenberger was a “sex symbol”? That bitch has had so much plastic surgery, it looks like she would fit in more with the Real Housewives Of Atlanta than a “serious drama”. (And I use that loosely) CBS also has a show that’s keeping two very untalented actors above water. The Defenders starring Jerry O’Connell and Jim Belushi. Wow. First off, Jerry, stay home and enjoy the fact that you are probably the luckiest guy on the face of the earth. You’re porking Rebecca Romijn. Isn’t that good enough for ya you jack wagon? And Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim. Please stop showing your face. Every time you do, you end up showing your ass. This guy had that show According To Jim. Talk about the most recycled pile of steaming dog shit, this one is the fucking jackpot. According to this writer, Jim, fuck off. Learn your role. You were never talented, that obviously went to your brother John. But he’s dead. Stop thinking you have to carry on the name. We all remember him. We would have remembered him even if you didn’t recite one fucking line!!!! Anyway, the show debuted at…. You guessed it. NUMBER FUCKING ONE ACCORDING TO CBS!!! I’m calling bullshit on that though. Is there an executive offering out hand jobs in exchange for above average ratings on clearly average shows? Cause there is no way this shit is making it’s way into the living rooms of peoples homes. CBS just stands for Casting Bull Shit. Suck it.

Now the E channel. The only saving grace of that show is The Soup. That show gets a pass. But here is the kicker… THEY NEVER FUCKING PLAY IT!!!!! Every time I’m flicking through the guide, it’s like it’s the fucking 24 hour Kardashian network. First off, who the fuck are these hefers? Were they once on the biggest loser, cause if they were, I’d ask for my money back. Well, only the two are fat. The other one just looks like meek rat. I bet if you look hard enough in Kim’s ass, you’ll find Jimmy Hoffa!!! The point is, these sacks of hippo fecal matter shouldn’t have a show. I wouldn’t even allow them on public access and anyone is allowed on that shit. I mean, isn’t that how Chelsea Handler got her start. Cause god knows she’s as funny as watching alley rape. Hey, Chelsea, I saw you host the VMA’s this past year. Wow. So unfunny. You must have had to bang one of the higher ups to get your own late night comedy show… Oh… You did. Well that explains so much. Nevermind.

Bravo is just as bad as any other network as well. This real housewives shit is the biggest train wreck of over privileged women I’ve ever seen since those grandmothers on HBO in Hermaphrodite Dialogues also known as Sex In The City. I mean, the chicks on this show are so made up of plastic, even Barbie has to ask, “Who molds you?” But they still don’t even look good! I guarantee I could beat myself in the face repeatedly with a frying pan, have to have 10 skin graphs done and still look better than anyone of those people on any of those shows. All they do is nag about their husbands and each other. Every time I see my own mother watching that shit, I can’t help but think, couldn’t these people just remain a dick stain on their daddy’s jockey shorts?

The whole point of this entry is to point out that, as a whole, Americans watch the dumbest shit. And it’s only getting worse. Antoine Dodson, that’s right, the hide your kids guy, is supposedly in talks to get his own show. REALLY!?!?! It just goes to show that any peter popper these days can get a show just for saying the dumbest shit. No offense to Antoine. I’m sure he’s a nice guy, but really people? His life can’t be all that interesting. All he said was they were raping errbody. It’s funny sure, but is he really funny enough to have his own show? I think not. Wake up people! Turn off your dumbassness and step into the light. It’s ok. I’m not saying you have to watch The History Channel all the time cause who the fuck does? But stop putting these no talent, no class people on a pedestal and treating them like they found the fucking cure for cancer. FUCK!

Alright. I’m done. Join me next time when I will be discussing why college is so fucking expensive. I mean, they want us all to go, but they wanna charge us money that even Bill Gates would say, “How much!?”

Piss Off.

Two For Tuesday!

Hello there. Glad to see  you again. Ok, I can’t back that up but hey, it was worth a shot! Bet you’re surprised to see another blog after last weeks excellent entry. Well guess what people, I’M BORED! So the Steelers won Saturday. The only thing I can really say about that game is WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! How the hell are we gonna look like Super Bowl champs in the first half and come out in the second half looking like a group of girls who just got their periods for the first time and have no idea how that happened!?! Ah well fuck it. I’m not here to talk about football again. It’ll only make me wanna throw things and that could be bad for you. Today we are going to discuss American Idol (Yes again) but it’s different this time. No Simon! Instead, we replace him with…. Steven Tyler? Seems like a good fit if you’re deaf. Anyway, let’s delve into this situation and find out why!

First off, Steven Tyler? Honestly Fox? Was Huey Lewis all booked up or something? This Mick Jagger wannabe cannot sing. Just because someone can do a bag of blow in 15 minutes doesn’t make you talented (well maybe a talented drug taker, I don’t know). Here’s the thing, I don’t want Steven Tyler telling anyone how to sing when dude couldn’t win a talent show for special needs children! Hey Steve, Robert Plant called, he wants you to shut the fuck up ’cause  you ain’t him! Point is, I’d sooner take a violent shit, while sitting on a cactus, then have him telling me I gotta be all, “Scooby doo bop bop pow.” Fuck off Steve. Make another album of your “blues rock” and call it I’m A Rich White Guy That Will Rape The Good Name Of The Blues. I’m done with this guy.

Jennifer Lopez? So I guess this season the people who run this shit are allowing auto tune. Her only talent is her ass and even that’s starting to look like a big mess of silly putty. Can’t we just go back to the days when you were seen and not heard as a Fly Girl on In Living Color? Those were your better days. I’d rather have Ellen back and if you know anything about me, you know that I hate Ellen a whole lot! Fuck off to you Jen. Don’t you have kids to take care of? Oh, well that’s right. Mark Anthony hasn’t had a career…well ever really. I suppose if I were stuck with that prick too, I’d be looking for something else to occupy my time as well. I’m done with this one.

Now the lone, original wolf of the show: Randy Jackson. Well, everything I had to say, I’ve already said about him (I’d give you a link to one of the old blogs but you’ve got a computer. You find it!).

The point is, American Idol will probably spark a little interest when it airs tomorrow. But after that first show of seeing people that are not Paula or Simon, that show is going down the porcelain piss hole faster then Adam Lambert’s career. I guess it’s time for that show to go away anyway. Ten years and You’ve produced two big stars. I’m still a little shocked that Taylor Hicks’ career didn’t take off. I guess the Soul Patrol got arrested for impersonating law enforcement. That’s all I got for American Idol.

Next (that’s right, it’s a two-fer!), I would like to talk about the weather. I know, it sounds like an old persons topic, but hey, weather pisses me off too! Last year, the good people of Baltimore were ass slammed with a ton of the white stuff and I don’t mean that mountain of coke Al Pacino snorted towards the end of Scarface. I’m talking about snow. Think back now to when you were a child. You would get so excited to hear the weather man say there was a good chance we were gonna get a blizzard. But it never came. NEVER! Then you would have to go to school with your homework not done and pissed off that you aren’t at home watching The Price is Right. Now it seems like when they say we are getting something, be prepared cause shit is happening. I now loathe to hear someone even mention a light dusting. It’s so annoying! But here’s the thing I don’t, and probably will never understand. MILK. BREAD. AND TOILET PAPER!?!?! What if you are lactose intolerant? Soy milk tastes like shit so you aren’t drinking that shit (well maybe you are but it just seems like such a rip off in a bowl of cereal). I personally prefer lemonade. And bread is no good by itself. That’s stupid. Toast is almost as boring as having a threesome with nuns (think about it, that shit would be like watching me type this shit). You need some sort of deli meat to go with that. Don’t be afraid to stop at the deli to pick up some fucking turkey breast. I’m pretty sure you’ll have time. Toilet paper I do get. Who wants to wipe their ass with anything else? Just sounds painful… Unless you are Chuck Norris but that’s a different story.

Point is, Mother Nature is a self loathing mustard cunt, especially in the winter time. It’s either one of two things: Seasonal depression or Father Time has a little trouble getting his Viagra pills in the shit storm that Mother Nature provides. No wonder these two have never had kids. Could you imagine that mind fuck? That be like Gwenyth Paltrow having a child with the Unabomber! Thank god that will never happen. Gwen stuck with someone just as boring as her. Chris Martin of Coldplay. So to hell with Mother Nature. My advice to Father Time is to tap that ass so we don’t have to suffer anymore. Thank you.

Well that’s all folks. Join me next time when I talk about things you can find underneath the couch cushions. Wow!

Piss Off!

Well...I Couldn't Agree More!

No Means NO!!!! Unless You Play For Shitsburgh, Then You Can Pretty Much Do Whatever The Fuck You Want…

Why hello there!!! Long time no speak-ah! I could spend this blog entry with telling you what I’ve been doing and all that other good shit, but I’m afraid I’d grow bored with that cause honestly, alot of shit has happened, but that’s for another time. Happy new year to all of you (like it fucking matters, we’re all gonna get fatter, poorer and older so I guess it doesn’t really matter now does it?). Today though we are gonna tackle (see what I did there!?!) Pig…I mean Pig… I can’t ever bring myself to type that horrid name of his. We’ll just call him Pig Sven from Shitsburgh. Here we go…

Where to begin….Well, let’s talk about his intelligence (or lack there of). The motorcycle accident is a good place to start. Look Pig Sven, just because you are rich and can afford a motorcycle, doesn’t mean that you can ride around town as fast as you want without a helmet! The funniest part is, HE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A MOTORCYCLE PERMIT FOR SHITSBURGH!!!!!! He had a temporary one that expired in March of that year, the accident happened in JUNE! Hard headed boy….No really, he broke the windshield of the car that hit him with his head, so yeah, hard head! I know it sounds awful (and what kind of entry would this be if it didn’t?), but they said after my man Ngata broke his nose, Sven’s shit looked like a box of corn flakes. One can only imagine what his brain looked like after he introduced his skull to a windshield at approximately 30 MPH! Think about it! You have to lose some sense of right and wrong after making yourself a temporary decal on some poor bastards car (I wonder if he payed for the damage?)  But that leads me to the next bit of intellect that Pig Sven exudes… That’s right…. Rape!

Lake Tahoe Sven, ring any bells? No? Well let me help refresh your memory, you went for some golf tournament or charity thing whatever (charity I will applaud) and you struck up a “friendly conversation” with a female staffer. Now according to her (which after reading some of this twisted shit, she seems like some backwards ass gold digging thunder cunt but it’s good for my story and i’ll make a valid point later on… just read the fucking blog!) he called the front desk to say that his TV wasn’t working properly. Smooth Sven. Very smooth. That’s what I do when I’m somewhere and see a chick that I “wanna get to know better.” I walk right up to her and say, “Hey, you know my TV isn’t working properly. Care to come past my place and check it out? Then, if the problem gets resolved, maybe we could get a 12 pack of beer and watch a porno and see what happens next! What do you think?” CALL  MAINTENANCE DUMB ASS! But because he’s used that, I’ve now had to resort to using that old line, “Hey, I’ve got poor insulation in my house, care to help me get my shit warm?” That’s when I’m usually slapped and then…. Well you get it. Anyway, nothing really came of that case I think. I’m not positive but where there’s smoke, there’s usually fire… Or a cookout but I highly doubt he was passing around burgers and dogs. Although he could be into that!

That brings us to the next “allegation” of rape. I’ve heard of love in a elevator and the mile high club, but this is just sad. Nothing like getting some in the stall of a bathroom! Especially when the chick says, “NO!” Georgia is where this took place (That’s the night Sven let it out in Georgia… No? Fuck you). The story goes that Sven was a club and saw some chick who caught his eye, invited her and her friends to the VIP area and got them really fucked up on shots. It better have been the good stuff too cause the Pig can afford it! Anyway, one of his bodyguards led this girl down a hallway and placed her on a stool. The guard left and here comes Sven, whipping his little Sven out of the darkness. She was so scared of the little guy she ran into the bathroom to get away. But Sven, who plays for Shitsburgh, always gets what he wants and follows her in there. This is where I must say that just because the refs in the NFL want you to invade their meat caves, doesn’t mean that anyone else in the fucking world does you giant cock looking shit bag! Anyway, the story goes that Sven had to have sex with this girl so bad, he went in and just inserted his “love gun” and began to shoot blanks. The police were called and took down the report, which Sven denied any wrong doing (kinda like he does on the field!) and the whole thing was dropped by the girl saying the media would be too intrusive if the thing went to trial. She did state though that it didn’t mean she was taking back what she claimed happened. Honestly, I don’t blame her. Who would want to go through a whole trial and have her privacy invaded constantly?

I guess the point is that Sven is awful human, yet the refs, the NFL, fans of Shitsburgh and alot of other people wanna treat him like he found a fucking cure for cancer by farting into an air freshener and making the ill person smell the aroma. Fuck off Sven! I think the last time the guy actually had consensual sex with a woman, she looked at him and said, “What are you gay?” told all her friends who told all their friends blah blah blah and then no one wanted to fuck him anymore. Aw, real sad you rich Pig. So from there, what is the next logical step? Ah! Rape! Just rape the shit out of anyone you’d like to cause you’re Pig Sven! You can do anything. If anyone tries to do something to you though, never fear cause a nice little old referee man with a yellow flag will be there to make sure you get your way (How many yards do you think they give for rape accusations?). I also would like to take this time to call Sven a jerk off. He’s a fuck wad that gets put down even when he’s using classic pick up lines. I.E. “So, how do YOU like your eggs in the morning?” Everyone woman on the planet replies, “Unfertilized!” (insert rim shot…..There!)

Well kids in closing I would like to wish a REAL football team some luck this Saturday. Go Ravens! Join me next time when I discuss how much I hate those fucking General auto insurance commercials. Can’t we just strap him to a nuke and set it off on a testing site so I don’t have to hear that STUPID FUCKING JINGLE ANYMORE!?!?!?!?!?!

Piss off.

Potential Victims!

Can Someone Please Tell Lady GooGoo To Go Away Already?

Hello friends. Nice to see you again. Hope you enjoyed the last post. Time to get back to some real, hardcore ranting. (Hey! Have you noticed that this is the first time I’ve had back to back blogs since last August? High five fuckers!) Well kids, I’ve kept pretty silent about Lady Gaga, but no longer shall I hold my tounge. Why am I the only one who seems to hate this no talent hussy? WHY!?!?! Let’s start from the begining shall we?

I first heard of Googoo in 2009 like most of the world. I saw her on American Idol (fuck you for laughing at that) playing some song called poker face. She was dressed in that fucking bubble dress that everyone went gaga over (pun intended) and had her hair looking like that old bitch from There’s Something About Mary. You know who I’m talking about. The one with the dog and chained smoked constantly. I believe she was Mary’s roommate or neighbor, whatever who cares!?!?!?! Well she starts singing at the piano some slow drony bullshit that was irritating to start with. Then the full song kicks in and I notice, THIS SHITHEAD CAN’T SING!!!!!! But still, everyone praised her for a great performance and how talented she was. Pardon me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t it mean when you score a record deal you have some sort of talent to offer the public? FUCK PEOPLE WAKE UP!!!! Clean whatever substance is blocking your ears from hearing and boycott her! I would rather hear the buzzing of a swarm of bees heading my way to light me up blister style than ever hear her again! Really! I don’t understand when it became more important to have shock value over musical ability! Can someone please explain that to me?

Let’s move on to her at VMA awards back in September. What the hell was she wearing? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about her covering the Picasso painting she calls a face, but seriously? What the fuck would you call that? Ok, nevermind the outfit, who cares cause honstley, I’m not into becoming Joan Rivers and having the fashion police on her. No. Fuck that. Let’s talk about her performing the song “Papparazzi.” Wow. This further justified the fact that she can not sing to save her life. It sounded like someone taking a rough shit in a parking garage (For the acoustics). Still though, everyone went on like she was Freddie Mercury or something. WOW! No! How is this possible?

Now let’s discuss her most recent shit storm of media coverage. The Yankees game! How could she think that it was a good idea to show up in her underwear and jersey at a public stadium? Then, she goes to the club house and starts rubbing her tits! Like anyone would wanna have a go with that skank ass. Now I’m not one to say that was in poor taste or anything, but come on. It was more poor judgement than poor taste. You know it’s pretty bad when fucking Jerry Seinfeld says you are a jerk. It’s almost as if she thinks because she is Goo Goo and can do no wrong, she can just do anything she wants and say whatever comes into that raisin sized mind because she is Goo Goo hear her purr! Well slap me around and call me Estelle.

The point is my faithful followers of wisdom and enlightment, she is just another example of the low class white trash “entertainment” we pump out of this country. I will say, I loved seeing the pictures of her falling over those giant ass boots she was wearing. It’s about time she tripped over that stupid shit she wears all the time. I’ve heard rumors too she is a hermaphrodite, which judging by the pictures I’ve seen, what the hell else would that be except a twig and a set of giggle berries? But I’m not hear to speculate. No no. I’m just hear to yell about the fact that she is a terrible singer and an awful individual.

Now I’m sure some people will have a problem with reading the words I’ve writte about Googoo and that’s just fine with me. That’s what this blog is all about and everyone is entitled to their own opinion. HAHAHA! Well that was total bullshit. You can have your opinion sure, but still, you would be wrong in my eyes. If you don’t like it…. Well honestly I don’t care if you like it.

Well folks, that is all for this installment of Live and How To Live It!! Join me next time when I discuss that annoying young guy, dressed like an old guy and dancing constantly to promote Six Flags. Jesus!

Piss off.

Wasn't this outfit in the movie The Running Man?

I Won A Trip To Montana?

Hello folks. Welcome back to the now barely running Life and How To Live It. I think I’ve done like 3 posts this year? Wow I’m lazy anymore. Today, we take a break from ranting… HAHAHAHA!!! Yeah right. There will be some ranting. What kind of blogger do you think I am? Anyway, sit back and let me tell you about my free trip to…Montana?

This story starts in March of this year. Me and my good friend Nick were in Atlantic City for a few days. You know, hanging out, drinking, gambling, so on and so forth. Well we lost our asses off. Ok, he ended up winning the jackpot on a quarter slot machine but that’s another blog. Anyway, I get a call Friday morning from my mother. I just figured it was nothing but her checking up on me and making sure I didn’t OD on captain and cokes. I answer the phone and she screams, “YOU WON!!!!” Here is where the confusion sets in. I said, “No I didn’t. In fact, I’ve lost just about everything I had. I’m going to have the use the dog for collateral.” She says, “What? No! You won a trip to Montana!” I reply, “What the fuck is in Montana and why the fuck would I wanna go there?” She then tells me she entered me in some contest from Marlboro (you know, the cigarette company!) and I won a trip to the Marlboro ranch on crazy mountain. Not only did I win the trip, but I also get a check made out to me for $750 bucks! I was thinking, “AWESOME! MONEY!” Then she tells me I get to take a guest with me! I, right away, start thinking of who I’m going to take with me. Everything seemed fucking mega!! Here is where the stipulations come in. Not from Marlboro, but from my mother. The guest I would be taking is her. Kinda lame to have to take your mother on an all inclusive trip but I guess it could have been worse. Then she tells me, I have to wear this cowboy garb. Boots, 10 gallon cowboy hat and all that. Well now I decide I’m not going. Fuck that. If anyone knows me, they know ol’ Tonedawg don’t do cowboy shite. However, my mother informed me if I did not go on this trip, she would pretty much end my shit and not think twice about it. Thanks Ma!

Now let’s fast forward to the day before I left. I had to get a haircut and all that, no biggie. Then, for some unknown reason, I decided it would be a great idea to start drinking. Well, I went quite overboard with that and stayed out til 12:30 that morning. Now I know what you are thinking, “Tony! 12:30 isn’t late. Especially not for Tony the tank! Are you slowing down or just getting older?” My response to that is, go fuck yourself with screwdriver! The reason this was such a bitch is because I had to be up by 4 that same morning. Whoopie and holy fuck that was stupid of me. So 4 comes and I get up and await for our ride to the airport. Now I’m not quite sure why my mom thought this person would be good to drive us to the airport cause this person drives like someone is jabbing her in the side with a fucking ice pick! For the first time EVER, I was more afraid of being in a car than being on a airplane! Got through security alright and waited to get on the plane. Let me just tell you, I will never get used to being on a plane. I hate those things. How in fuck’s name does a 12 ton hunk of metal and screws go 39,000 feet above the ground!?!?!?! IT DOESN’T ADD UP!!!!!!! So we get to Salt Lake City (that’s Utah kids!) for a one hour layover. Well by this point, I hadn’t had a smoke in like 3 and half hours! I’m flipping out over here. Then, a glimmer of hope came! I turned around and BAM!!! A smoking room appears before my eyes! It was almost as if God himself took his finger, tapped the airport and said, “Here you are you complaining ass shithead! Now keep your mouth shut for the next 4 days and I’ll make sure to get you home safe. ” Well you can’t argue with that now can you? I mean, he is God after all! Here is where another suprise comes into play. The next plane I have to get on is one of those small ass tin can planes. Well as soon as I see this, I start thinking La Bamba, The Buddy Holly Story and Sweet Dreams. I thought for sure this thing was going to hit an air pocket and we were going to crash into the side of a fucking mountain! Luckily, that didn’t happen. Thats the airplane diaries. Please stay tuned for the rest of the trip in 5. 4. 3. 2…..

Welcome back. Now we are in Montana. The airport in Bozeman was half airport, half museum for some reason. Thats the first time I’ve gotten off a plane and saw bear bones and some sort of dinosaur looking thing while waiting for my bag to come around the belt! Trippy right? Fuck yeah it was! Now we get on the bus to head to this ranch. Well it takes another hour and fifteen minutes to get to the ranch. Not bad though. The guide we had was quite the looker! This is where they warn us that we are so high up on this mountain, the air is thin so have to constantly drink water or poweraide. Well how the hell am I supposed to capatilize on the free open bar thing if I have to constantly rehydrate myself? Ok, I still found a way, but that’s beyond the point! Now we get into the room and the bed is showered with gifts. I felt like a five year old on christmas morning. Except I don’t think you’d give your five year old half a carton of Malboro Mediums for christmas. Not that I’m judging anyone who does, but seriously, stop that. They gave me a digital camera, ashtray, bookbag, wind breaker, and of course, those fucking cowboy boots and hat. Yeeeeee fucking Hawwwww. My mother is excited as all hell at this point and wasted no time in putting on her shit! You would have thought she shit out a golden egg and was going to be rich. She then tries to spread that spirit to me. I wasn’t having it. But with a few smiles and threats, I put this stupid ass Roy Rogers shit on (see below).

Oh yeah! I'm happy!

The dinners though were of epic proportions. Litterally! I could write a whole blog on the meals alone. However, this is not that kind of blog! So the first night goes off without a hitch. The next morning was not so kind. I got up at 6 AM to get breakfast which was amazing. Then, between the traveling and the lack of sleep from the night before, I was just dead. I had no energy. So I retired to my room and slept til noon! It wasn’t real hard to do that. The bed felt like sleeping on a cloud of greatness.

When I got up, it was raining and like 58 degrees outside. IT’S JUNE!!!!! One of the bar maids was telling me how her birthday is in July and it’s snowed every year for the past three! Can you fucking imagine having snow in July? It would make me think the rapture was coming!!! Fuck! So in light of the rain, I shot pool for like 4 hours straight with people I hadn’t met yet. Those people were awesome. Give yourselves a hand if you are reading this! So the evening went on and it was fantastic. The next day was an early morning. 7:45 in the morning to be fucking exact. I’m totally not a morning person. At all. But we were heading off to shoot guns. Ok. Sounds like something fun I suppose. We get there and it’s 45 FUCKING DEGREES OUTSIDE!!!!!! HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO FIRE A DAMN RIFLE!?!?!?!?! Turns out though, I’m awesome with a gun. The guy told me I was a natural. That was nice to hear. I had a method though. I just visualized the one person in this world I hate whos name shall remain unknown. Worked everytime.

Got back for the happy hour. That was cool. They had shrimp and some sort of wild game kabobs. I wasn’t feeling adventuress, so I bypassed the wild game and stuck with something I knew I liked. Since this was the last night, I figured, “save your energy tone and get tore up tonight!” We walked back to the saloon, had dinner. Afterwards, the bar was then offcially open! The only buzzkill of the night was this horrible band they hired to “entertain” us. This band was doing country versions of Walk This Way and Crazy Train!?!?! NO! NOT ALLOWED!!!! I hate Aerosmith, but this is the one time I would have rather heard there version of a song! They bored just about everyone to tears. No variety! WE ARE NOT COWBOYS FOR REAL FUCKERS, WE ARE PRETENDING!!!!!! Finally, the band left the stage. Time to get good and drunk while drinking the champagne of beers… that’s right…. Miller High Life. Turns out, I quite like it! What a night this was… From what I remember anyway.

The next morning comes and it’s leaving day. I realise at that moment, getting 25 sheets to the wind was about as smart as a 40 year old shoving a fork in an electrical socket. (Insert mental image of that HERE) Yep. It was back on the planes for another installment of Fun Times While You Think You are Going To Hit A Mountain At 39,000 Ft. Still, I’m happy to inform everyone, God kept the smoking rooms in Utah! Which was great for me cause I had a 3 FUCKING HOUR LAY OVER THERE!!!! Got to BWI around 11:15 pm and got the luggage. What a change in the weather that was. I went from a place that seems to never exceed 60 degrees to the humid air of Baltimore. It felt as if a giant, cosmic dog was breathing over the Earth with his mouth open! Here is the kicker. I didn’t get home til 2 AM. Now, here is where you say, “But you only live 25/30 from the airport!” Yes, this is true imaginary voice that just said that. However, my mother forgot to make the proper arragements for being picked up. We had to wait for my father to pick us up. He didn’t get off work til about 12:15. Whoopie. When we finally arrived at home, I crashed harder than a diabetic kid who just ate a giant fucking hershey bar.

So that was the trip to Crazy Mountain Ranch. Crazy it sure was too. I’m sure I’m leaving some shit out, but you get what was going on. If you don’t, well that’s your problem Join me next time folks when I talk about those damn buzzing things everyone seems to have at the World Cup. How fucking annoying!

Piss off!

Media… And Whatever The Hell Else I Wanna Rant About

Hello to one and all once again. So as you read in the last blog, I broke my leg back in September. That explains why I haven’t written anything new in awhile. (If you don’t get why then I guess I’m forced to tell you why. I didn’t think it would be appropriate to write while under the influence of Hillbilly Heroin!!! Get it now?) Anyway, I’m back and I’ve been thinking alot about the local news stations and how fucking absurd they are anymore. Here are my justifications :

Point #1 : ENOUGH WITH THE TIGER WOODS SHIT ALREADY!!!!!! I’m so sick of that guy. But leave it to the media to beat that story to a bloody pulp and leave it for dead in a mexican whore house with Jorge (thats the pimp) standing over it, like a rabid dog, waiting for it to pay up. Ok. I get it. He was unfaithful. Much like every other athlete in the wide world of sports! Magic Johnson, Kobe Bryant, Michael Jordan… COME ON PEOPLE!!!! I will agree Tiger is a raging dumb-ass with a licence to all the foreign locks in the wilderness, but I do not have to hear about him anymore. I didn’t hear this much about him when he would win a ground breaking game!!! I feel sorry for the people out there who actually thought he was some sort of role model, but he’s human just like anyone else. Anyway, I’m veering off topic here. The real issue I have is the news outlets and how they have handled this whole thing. So what if he decided not to talk about it with a bunch of blood sucking vultures ready to pounce at any moment! It’s a personal matter!!! Fucking duh!!! I might be the only one to appluad him for staying quite about the matter. Frankly, it’s none of our business. Remember that kids!!!

Point 2 : For the readers that do not live in the Baltimore area, we got a shit ton of snow. I mean, it was like mother natured strapped on, bent us over and blasted us in the ass something fierce with the white stuff. (Snow you gutter minded pervert!) Now what I do not understand is why the news station decides to run an all day marathon of boring coverage all day? Whats the need for that? Are we so bankrupt of intelligence anymore that we need some dim-witted news guy, who by the way is standing in the shit, to feed us the same crap we already know? They have the little ticker news thing at the bottom of the screen!!! Run that!!! What if I, and trust me, this would never happen, but what if I wanted to watch Dr. Phil? My day would be ruined because all I would be able to see is some jerk-off interviewing other jerk-offs walking to 7-11! As if I really care that some dude from around the corner went out in the freezing ass, dick shriveling cold to pick up airheads and a cookie! Wait! That’s it! I now know the meaning of life is a FUCKING COOKIE FROM 7-11!!!! Fuck me to tears people! I will admit though, I love when a huge gust of wind comes by and knocks the fucker over sideways in the snow. God I love that! Serves you right.

Now I would like to switch topics on you cause I just thought of this and since it’s my blog (not yours) I can pretty much do as I please. I would like to address the late night wars issue between Conan and Jay. Some ask, “Tony! who do you think is to blame for this?”
Now being the amazing person that I am, I say everyone. Here is why. First of all, I’m more of a Conan guy myself. That Conando thing he does makes me wanna shit myself stupid with laughter. However, I think his humor is more suited for the later crowd. The old hacks that are still up at 11:35, putting their dentures in a glass of water next to the bed, just aren’t gonna get it. With that said, though, I don’t blame him as much as I blame the other parties involved. We’ll start with Jay Leno.
We all know Jay. He’s had a few funny bits every now and again. I like the headlines myself because he really doesn’t have anything to do with them. However Jay is a self-loving skat huffer. If he knew he didn’t wanna leave the tonight show he should have never agreed to the terms that NBC were putting forth to him. Simple!
Another thing that really irks me about Jay is the ten o’clock show. The dude still does stand up all the time. Make your living that way. I’m almost positive he would be a headliner. He could make a good amount of scratch doing that. But NOOOOOOOOOOO! We were subjected to watching that big chinned fuck boy still. I think when his show folded, he should have been a big enough guy to turn down the chance to return to his old time slot. He had his day in the sun, time to move on.
Then we come to NBC. Aka : Not Behind Conan! Cause, let’s face it kids, they weren’t from the start. I think they knew it was going to happen this way and planned around it. It’s wrong though. If they remember correctly, Jay’s half retarded stepchild version of the Tonight Show, didn’t take off until 1995! Three years after he took over. Instead of giving Coco the chance to get used to the time change, they metaphorically circumsized him publicly. I will give Conan props for sticking it to them like he did though. It was spiteful and brutal. The kind of TV I love to watch.
So in the end who won the late night wars? Jay Leno? Conan O’Brien? Or NBC? The answer is David Letterman. Even after Jay goes back on the air at 11:35, I think his reputation is so tarnished at this point, Letterman will come out on top. Suck it NBC. (also, The Office stopped being funny two seasons ago! Let’s do something about that!)

Well there you have it kids. I’m back and I hope you have enjoyed this edition of Life and how to Live It. Join me next time when I talk about how Nostradamus was a cross-dressing freak who did not predict me talking about him in this fashion in the year 2010.

Piss Off!

A Slide Down A Small Hill Leads To A Trip To The ER…

Hello my people. I apologize for the long stretch in between blogs but I think this will explain why. So strap on your seatbelts and hang on tight for the story of all stories… Well at least in my mind… Here we go.

So it was September the 4th 2009. I had just moved back to Baltimore from Chicago about 5 days before hand. So it was a friday night and I got to thinking, “What the fuck should I do tonight?” So I hung out with my mother for a bit at the house. Then I decided to fix myself a drink. Captain and coke to be specific (like you didn’t know that already). So I had two drinks when my buddy Joey called and asked if I wanted to hang out. I said, “Sure! Why not!” So they came and hung out round my way for a bit. I said, “Ok well let me go change out of these slippers and put my shoes on. Then we can go.” Now instead of being a normal human being and taking the steps down, I somehow thought it would be a good idea to walk down the little three foot hill of grass in slippers. Had no idea though that the grass was wet. NO FUCKING IDEA!!!!!! So I slipped and fell. As I fell, I thought to myself, “Ok, I’ll hit the ground, have a good laugh, get up and hang out with my friends.” I was wrong. Now I don’t know exactly how it happened, but I’m thinking my ass landed on my ankle and destroyed it. I think that because as soon as I landed, you could hear a bone snap. So when I hit the ground, I looked down and saw my leg was going straight while my foot was veering off to the left. So of course I knew the shit was broken. The ambo was called. Now this really pissed me off. I’m the one in a severe amount of pain right? RIGHT! So I asked for someone to light me a cigarette before I left cause I knew it was going to be a very long night and I wouldn’t have one for a very long time. The medic, who by the way was a real bitch, looks at me and screams, litterally screams, “NO!!!! YOU CANNOT HAVE ONE!!!! IT’S FOR OUR HEALTH!!!!” I just sat there and gave her the evil eye. HOW IN THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DENY SOMEONE SOMETHING THEY FEEL THEY NEED AT THE MOMENT!?!?!?!??!?!?!?! It’s alright though. When she wasn’t looking, I took a few drags from my mother.

Now I’m in the back of this ambulance. The guy driving must have just gotten his license the day before cause the mother fucker was swerving and hitting every fucking bump and pot hole in the road that he could. I finally got tired of it and yelled, “Could you please be a little more careful? Everytime you hit one of those bumps, I get the sharp pain that shoots from my leg and makes my asshole pucker!” He just laughed as if I was making some joke. The bastard continued to hit every bump. I think it was just for spite cause I yelled at his dumb ass. Fuck boy.

Fast forward to the ER… I arrive in a pretty good amount of pain. One of the nurses then started asking me a bunch of questions. She gets to this one :
“Have you had any alcohol tonight?”
Me : “Well yeah. It’s fucking friday night!”
Nurse : “Oh so you are drunk?”
Me : “No. I only had to drinks. It really was just stupidity on my part that I fell down a hill. The alcohol had no play in this accident.”
Nurse : “Well I really doubt that. You know within two SIPS of alcohol, your brain doesn’t function the way it normally would.”
Me : “First off, you obviously do not know me. Two full drinks, let alone two sips, wouldn’t even make me wanna take a piss. Second off, where did you get your registration to be a nurse, off the back of a slurpee cup? Huh? Did you send in your proof of purchase in exchange for a certification to be stupid?”
She then walked away from me, very pissed off mind you. But I won that argument.

Now they finally put me in a room after like 30 minutes of sitting in the hallway. The doctor comes in and says, “I see we had a little accident here!” I replied, “No way doc! My ankle always looks like this on the weekend. You should see what I do with it on sundays to freak people out as they are leaving church!” He wasn’t amused. Tough crowd eh? So then he asks if I’m in any pain. “On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the most pain, what level are you at?” I screamed, “FUCKING TWELVE NOW GIVE ME DRUGS!!!!!” Enter the nice little fat lady with all the goods like morphine and shit. I remember yelling about something, then in mid-sentence laying back in a euphoric state and drifting off into a pyschedellic land of candy corns and rivers of fruit punch. It was pretty fucking awesome.

Now came the hard part. Putting the foot back into place. Now for those of you who do not know, I HATE FEET!!! Even my own. And I certainly did not want someone touching my foot for hours. It grosses me out. Ew. Now here is this guy I don’t know, tugging on my foot to pop the shit back in place. I was pretty pissed off. After about 15 minutes of struggling to put it back, he says to me, “Ok, lay still like a rag doll, I’m going to try a different method.” I thought, “Great! I get a break!” WRONG! As soon as I calmed down, this guy pulls on it getting it back into place. Now this is a pain that was so intense, I think I would have rather bit down on a live wire and die an horrible death by electricution than go through that. He then looks at me with that cocky smile most doctors acquire in their second year of college (do you think that is a class? Doctor cocky smile 101?) and says to me, “Ok, I’ll let you rest for a few minutes and splint this up.” I flipped him off and yelled for more morphine.

Splinting : So now that my shit looks somewhat normal again, he will now put it in a splint. That was fun. After he gets done, they take me in for X-rays. Probably about twenty minutes later, he comes back and says, “I’m not happy with that splint. I’m going to do it again.” What a prick. DO IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME!!! THEY PAY YOU GOOD MONEY TO DO IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME!!!!! So he re-splints it and decides thats good enough. In leaving he says, “Ok, so here is the deal. No more getting drunk for awhile. That’s how you ended up here!” I said, “No doc, I was not drunk. Can I go home now?” He says, “Oh no! You can’t go home now. You have to stay over night. We are getting you a room and you should be in it within twenty minutes.” Then he leaves. This was about, I don’t know, 2:30 in the morning. I passed out after that. 6:30 that same morning, they finally move me into a room upstairs. So much for twenty minutes.

The Room : They wheeled me into the room as the sun was coming up over the rows and rows of broken down houses and construction sites. I had not pissed since 11:30 the night before. Needless to say, I had to go. I figured they would put me in a wheel chair and let me do what needed to be done. WRONG AGAIN! They hand me this plastic cup and tell me to piss in that. Now, I’m one of those people that for some reason needs a toilet to do what I have to do. Now they tell me it’s ok to piss in a cup while laying in bed? WHAT IN THE FUCK!?!?!?! They also had the nerve to tell me not to get any piss on the sheets. I said, “look, if it happens, you will have to deal with it. I don’t exactly piss in plastic cups often.”

And Finally, The Discharge : My mom and my brother came to the hospital at like noon or something. Everytime the nurse came in I asked to leave. She told me I must wait for the physical therapist to come in and see me. She finally came at around 3:30 pm. She gave me a tutorial on how to use crutches and get around, all that shit. They then discharge me. The nurse says, “Someone will be up to wheel you downstairs.” I’m happy as shit right now. I’m coming home!!! I sat there for a half an hour waiting for someone to take my broken and busted ass downstairs. So I finally came home. Two weeks later I had surgery where they put a steel plate and 8 screws in me to hold my shit in place. How wonderful. Now I have to wait three months at the very least to put any weight on it and all that. It’s been hell people let me tell you. But I’m getting used to it I suppose.

Well folks, thats it for this entry. Join me next time when I will discuss what its like to be woken up by a fly that obviously thinks you are its mate.

Piss off!