A Slide Down A Small Hill Leads To A Trip To The ER…

Hello my people. I apologize for the long stretch in between blogs but I think this will explain why. So strap on your seatbelts and hang on tight for the story of all stories… Well at least in my mind… Here we go.

So it was September the 4th 2009. I had just moved back to Baltimore from Chicago about 5 days before hand. So it was a friday night and I got to thinking, “What the fuck should I do tonight?” So I hung out with my mother for a bit at the house. Then I decided to fix myself a drink. Captain and coke to be specific (like you didn’t know that already). So I had two drinks when my buddy Joey called and asked if I wanted to hang out. I said, “Sure! Why not!” So they came and hung out round my way for a bit. I said, “Ok well let me go change out of these slippers and put my shoes on. Then we can go.” Now instead of being a normal human being and taking the steps down, I somehow thought it would be a good idea to walk down the little three foot hill of grass in slippers. Had no idea though that the grass was wet. NO FUCKING IDEA!!!!!! So I slipped and fell. As I fell, I thought to myself, “Ok, I’ll hit the ground, have a good laugh, get up and hang out with my friends.” I was wrong. Now I don’t know exactly how it happened, but I’m thinking my ass landed on my ankle and destroyed it. I think that because as soon as I landed, you could hear a bone snap. So when I hit the ground, I looked down and saw my leg was going straight while my foot was veering off to the left. So of course I knew the shit was broken. The ambo was called. Now this really pissed me off. I’m the one in a severe amount of pain right? RIGHT! So I asked for someone to light me a cigarette before I left cause I knew it was going to be a very long night and I wouldn’t have one for a very long time. The medic, who by the way was a real bitch, looks at me and screams, litterally screams, “NO!!!! YOU CANNOT HAVE ONE!!!! IT’S FOR OUR HEALTH!!!!” I just sat there and gave her the evil eye. HOW IN THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DENY SOMEONE SOMETHING THEY FEEL THEY NEED AT THE MOMENT!?!?!?!??!?!?!?! It’s alright though. When she wasn’t looking, I took a few drags from my mother.

Now I’m in the back of this ambulance. The guy driving must have just gotten his license the day before cause the mother fucker was swerving and hitting every fucking bump and pot hole in the road that he could. I finally got tired of it and yelled, “Could you please be a little more careful? Everytime you hit one of those bumps, I get the sharp pain that shoots from my leg and makes my asshole pucker!” He just laughed as if I was making some joke. The bastard continued to hit every bump. I think it was just for spite cause I yelled at his dumb ass. Fuck boy.

Fast forward to the ER… I arrive in a pretty good amount of pain. One of the nurses then started asking me a bunch of questions. She gets to this one :
“Have you had any alcohol tonight?”
Me : “Well yeah. It’s fucking friday night!”
Nurse : “Oh so you are drunk?”
Me : “No. I only had to drinks. It really was just stupidity on my part that I fell down a hill. The alcohol had no play in this accident.”
Nurse : “Well I really doubt that. You know within two SIPS of alcohol, your brain doesn’t function the way it normally would.”
Me : “First off, you obviously do not know me. Two full drinks, let alone two sips, wouldn’t even make me wanna take a piss. Second off, where did you get your registration to be a nurse, off the back of a slurpee cup? Huh? Did you send in your proof of purchase in exchange for a certification to be stupid?”
She then walked away from me, very pissed off mind you. But I won that argument.

Now they finally put me in a room after like 30 minutes of sitting in the hallway. The doctor comes in and says, “I see we had a little accident here!” I replied, “No way doc! My ankle always looks like this on the weekend. You should see what I do with it on sundays to freak people out as they are leaving church!” He wasn’t amused. Tough crowd eh? So then he asks if I’m in any pain. “On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the most pain, what level are you at?” I screamed, “FUCKING TWELVE NOW GIVE ME DRUGS!!!!!” Enter the nice little fat lady with all the goods like morphine and shit. I remember yelling about something, then in mid-sentence laying back in a euphoric state and drifting off into a pyschedellic land of candy corns and rivers of fruit punch. It was pretty fucking awesome.

Now came the hard part. Putting the foot back into place. Now for those of you who do not know, I HATE FEET!!! Even my own. And I certainly did not want someone touching my foot for hours. It grosses me out. Ew. Now here is this guy I don’t know, tugging on my foot to pop the shit back in place. I was pretty pissed off. After about 15 minutes of struggling to put it back, he says to me, “Ok, lay still like a rag doll, I’m going to try a different method.” I thought, “Great! I get a break!” WRONG! As soon as I calmed down, this guy pulls on it getting it back into place. Now this is a pain that was so intense, I think I would have rather bit down on a live wire and die an horrible death by electricution than go through that. He then looks at me with that cocky smile most doctors acquire in their second year of college (do you think that is a class? Doctor cocky smile 101?) and says to me, “Ok, I’ll let you rest for a few minutes and splint this up.” I flipped him off and yelled for more morphine.

Splinting : So now that my shit looks somewhat normal again, he will now put it in a splint. That was fun. After he gets done, they take me in for X-rays. Probably about twenty minutes later, he comes back and says, “I’m not happy with that splint. I’m going to do it again.” What a prick. DO IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME!!! THEY PAY YOU GOOD MONEY TO DO IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME!!!!! So he re-splints it and decides thats good enough. In leaving he says, “Ok, so here is the deal. No more getting drunk for awhile. That’s how you ended up here!” I said, “No doc, I was not drunk. Can I go home now?” He says, “Oh no! You can’t go home now. You have to stay over night. We are getting you a room and you should be in it within twenty minutes.” Then he leaves. This was about, I don’t know, 2:30 in the morning. I passed out after that. 6:30 that same morning, they finally move me into a room upstairs. So much for twenty minutes.

The Room : They wheeled me into the room as the sun was coming up over the rows and rows of broken down houses and construction sites. I had not pissed since 11:30 the night before. Needless to say, I had to go. I figured they would put me in a wheel chair and let me do what needed to be done. WRONG AGAIN! They hand me this plastic cup and tell me to piss in that. Now, I’m one of those people that for some reason needs a toilet to do what I have to do. Now they tell me it’s ok to piss in a cup while laying in bed? WHAT IN THE FUCK!?!?!?! They also had the nerve to tell me not to get any piss on the sheets. I said, “look, if it happens, you will have to deal with it. I don’t exactly piss in plastic cups often.”

And Finally, The Discharge : My mom and my brother came to the hospital at like noon or something. Everytime the nurse came in I asked to leave. She told me I must wait for the physical therapist to come in and see me. She finally came at around 3:30 pm. She gave me a tutorial on how to use crutches and get around, all that shit. They then discharge me. The nurse says, “Someone will be up to wheel you downstairs.” I’m happy as shit right now. I’m coming home!!! I sat there for a half an hour waiting for someone to take my broken and busted ass downstairs. So I finally came home. Two weeks later I had surgery where they put a steel plate and 8 screws in me to hold my shit in place. How wonderful. Now I have to wait three months at the very least to put any weight on it and all that. It’s been hell people let me tell you. But I’m getting used to it I suppose.

Well folks, thats it for this entry. Join me next time when I will discuss what its like to be woken up by a fly that obviously thinks you are its mate.

Piss off!

Freedom Of Speech… Well If The Government Aproves…

Hello friends. I know it’s been a really long time since I’ve written a blog, but I have been majorly busy. You know, moving out of Chicago, breaking my ankle that sort of thing. But as I lay motion-less on the couch the other day watching MSNBC (I don’t know if it was because there was nothing on, or if i was just fucked up out of my mind on pain medication) I heard about how the government is going to look into everyones Facebook and Twitter accounts for “Offensive material.” Needless to say, I got mad. Here is why :

The first amendment is being raped with a cock that is the size of the sears tower (fuck you Willis) and being left in a sewer for the rats to feast on the leftovers. What in Gods sweet fucking name has happened to being able to have an opinion? There was one thing I heard about when I still lived in Chicago about a woman who was upset with the way her building owners treated the problems of the building. So she took to twitter. Not my first choice but alright. I get it. The building owners found out about it and had the fucking shit shut down? HOW THE FUCK CAN THAT HAPPEN!?!?!?!? How can we be proud americans with all the shit stomping, easily offended sack of dicks telling us we can do something and the penalizing us for doing it? I don’t know if I am, but I don’t think I’m being crazy about this.

The thing that strikes me funny is the whole government being offended by what we say as a society. IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE “BY THE PEOPLE. FOR THE PEOPLE!!!!” But it always just seems to me that it has become, over time mind you, “By the goverment for the people to obey and swallow our shitty decisions no matter what! Suck it bitches.” We should be allowed to say whatever we want about OUR government.

Another thing that strikes me as odd is that they only listen to us when they hear something they do not like. When it comes to listening to the people about the economy, or war, or health care, they don’t fucking hear us!!! So I’m calling them out. Come on fellows. Take down my blog. But you have to remember, you cannot stop everything! There will be more just like me to take up the flag for freedom of speech. Now I cannot say if they will do it through a blog, or start a podcast, I do not know. But someone else will speak their mind about the issue. So come on down and challenge me. Let’s have you.

Anyway, there will be no second opinion this week. So you are stuck with just my view on the topic. As usual I look forward to hearing what you have to say about the topic at hand. Good, bad I couldn’t give two shits less. I would also like to apologize for the fact that this blog is not as long as the other ones but fuck you. I’m loopy for the pain meds the hospital gave me for my ankle.

So with that said, join me next time when I will tell you all about the injury I have endured and all the hospital stories that go along with it.

Piss Off!

Bratty Little Teenagers That Warp The Minds Of Children…

Hello. I send my apologies for no new material last week. I’ve been busy. If you want entertainment that bad, take up a hobby. Anyway, today we shall talk about a topic that really pisses me off and gets under my skin like like an insect…. RADIO FUCKING DISNEY!!! I will only pick the two obvious to pick on. Those two would be Miley Cyrus and The Jonas Brothers. Here we go.

We will start Miley. Now we all remember her fathers break out hit song (and only song that anyone knows) Akey Breaky Heart. The trademark mullet and horrible dancing flooded the video like a levee breaking under intense rain. Well folks, Billy Ray thought it would be a good idea to bring children in the world. One of them being Miley. Who looks like a cross between a beaver and a hamster. Yuck. She is also as talented as her father (which if you are following isn’t really all that good) I heard her sing live on some television show one time, she couldn’t carry a tune. She was in three different keys and everyone was raving about how talented she is. WAKE THE FUCK UP PEOPLE!!!! SHE CANNOT SING!!!! She was marketable to the little kids who get sucked into that whole Disney Channel craze. I never understood that whole thing. Anyway, in doing a little research on Miley Virus, I came across a few things that really made me laugh. There’s the fact that she threw a birthday party for herself… Um… Yeah… Not supposed to happen that way Virus. Friends, family, anyone that cares about you are supposed to throw you a party. Guess no one really gives a flying sheep fuck about your life. Then, of course there is the whole Vanity Fair pictures of her looking all Linda Blair and shit. WHO CARES!?!?!?!?! Britney Spears was partially naked for most of her teen years in like 1998 or whenever the fuck that whore in training came out. No one cared then? Why now? I think everyone forgot about how creepy the pictures with her father were. It was like he was going to rape her and then stab her in the ass cheek with an ice pick because he only had one hit song in his whole piddly little career while his daughter is raking in the cash hand over fist. I could see what the big stink would have been if she posed for Playboy or something, but Vanity Fair???? Get real people. There was also the time she was going to take Radiohead down because they wouldn’t meet her!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Like she has a hope in hell doing that. Pretty soon, she will be a has-been. No one will go to her shows and no one will speak of her when she is the headlining “artist” at your state fair. Ok, I’ve had enough of Miley Virus.

The next group on my shit-list is The Jonas Brothers. Talk about no talent fuck posts, they have it all in that realm don’t they. They are your classic, generic boy group with some-what good looks (even though they look inbred) and no ability to write or play music. Oh and you can just tell they think that they are the greatest musicians in the history of music. Here’s some advice for you snot nosed little shit swallowers, DON’T BE SO FUCKING ARROGANT!!!! YOU HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING WE HAVEN’T HEARD BEFORE!!!!!!!!!! Also, I love the name of their latest “album,” Lines Vines and Trying Times? What trying times are you referring to? When one of you broke up with Taylor Swift? You are teenagers!!!! You don’t know what trying times are. And I also love how no one is allowed to make fun of the fact they have promise rings to God. Poor Russell Brand makes one little joke out of it and gets criticism for doing his job? That’s what’s wrong with this world today. The Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts wouldn’t stand a chance in this easily offended world. Well I’m going to make fun of their little rings. That’s right. Fuck them. They don’t scare me. I think their rings should be shoved sideways, up their asses while attached to a beater (you know when you are making a cake and you need to beat the batter up, you use one of those electric rotater things?) and spun around several times til they become normal fucking humans. And, come on, you cannot tell me they don’t look like robots while being interviewed or playing a “song.” This “band” needs to go away quickly. It’s the same, water-downed shit that has been handed to us before. Makes me wanna wear a promise ring. But not like theirs, no! My promise will be if they don’t go away within a year I’ll suffocate myself with a plastic bag and shit myself at the same time. That’s really the worst way I can think of dying.

Anyway, it’s now time for the SECOND OPINION….

With me, as usual, is Shaye to spread her opinion on the whole little brat out of hell situation…

While I don’t particularly get into their music n shit, my main peeve with these disney fuckers is the fact that their fame is based around the disney channel shows. miley cyrus would not be famous if it weren’t for that godawful show hannah montana. i’ve never seen the show, so it may explain a lot to me, but uhm i really don’t understand it at all. apparently miley has an alter ego/split personality and is hannah montana and famous but no one knows she’s the same person? oh and billy ray is her father in the show. so thanks to disney, billy ray’s got a new sort of following……..idk i just really can’t grasp the concept of the show and how it doesn’t confuse the shit out of the kids watching it. i’m sorry, i like my fraggle rock and dinosaurs. straightforward, to the point, awesome amazing television. other than that, miley has a pretty manly voice (to my ears, at least) for a kid of what…16?

On to the JoBros. I can’t stand these fuckers. First of all, I was HUGE into Hanson and i CANNOT STAND the fact that people try to call these little assholes the “new hanson.” No. Point blank. While MMMBop was my jam and probably pretty fucking annoying to my parents, at least those kids WROTE the shit. At least Hanson wasn’t a product of fucking Disney. I’m going to go so far as to admit to you folks that I was so obsessed to the point where every little tiny spot of my room was COVERED in hanson posters. and uh one summer, i got grounded several times in a row, so it was like….a year straight. anyway, my parents couldn’t figure out what else to take away from me, so they made me remove alllll of my hanson posters. devastating, i tell you. i cried. then i got super into limp bizkit and korn and that’s a whole other story about my poor decisions as a 13 year old.

Besides that, these fuckers had the nerve to perform with Stevie Wonder. The little bitch face Joe (maybe I’m wrong) COULDN’T EVEN GET THE WORDS RIGHT to superstitious! Poor Stevie. He deserves more respect than that. He also should have refused to play with them, but whatever.

As for the promise ring bullshit. yeah ok whatever. just the idea of it is retarded to me. i don’t mind it when people have a certain set of beliefs. shit, i’ve got plenty of straight edge friends. but don’t be a pretentious asshole about it and have to flaunt it to everyone. also don’t go around preaching about it. that shit’s annoying and makes you look like a complete piece of shit. though, nothing is saving any of those boys. so whatevs.

oh and another annoying thing about BOTH miley and the jobros: their annoying younger siblings. apparently miley’s little slutty sister (i have grounds for saying this, she prances around in next to nothing on “red carpets”) and the jobro’s little brother are doing a duet for disney? i could be wrong, but i’m faaaaaaairly certain i read that shit somewhere.

on that note, i want to say i still love hanson. aaaaaanyways, til next time. laaaaaaates, dudes!

Well folks, that is all for this weeks edition of Life And How To Live It!!! Join me next time when I discuss how annoying lawn mowers are when used at 7 in the morning.

Piss Off!

Co-Workers Complaint Hotline, How Can I Help You?

Hello out there. Welcome to another edition of Life And How To Live It. Today we are going to talk about an issue that everyone can relate to, I do believe. The annoying co-worker. Everyone has worked with someone you just cannot stand. Kind of makes your life a living hell wouldn’t you say? I myself have had one or two that have just annoyed the ever-loving shit out of me. Let’s start shall we?

- I got a job here in Chicago within a month or so of moving here. Seemed pretty good and right up my alley as a warehouse worker. Then I got to know everyone. First off, it was only three people that worked there. Me, a fellow in the office, and my direct supervisor. (All shall remain nameless) At first it seemed alright. Everyone was friendly enough and I didn’t think there would be any problems. UNTIL RIGHT AROUND THANKSFUCKINGGIVING!!!!!!!!! There were these things that had to be assembled with rubber bumpers. To keep from drying out, my co-worker tells me to keep the bag air-tight. Now for the idiots out there who don’t know what air-tight means, it means NO FUCKING AIR!!!!!! NONE!!!! So that’s what I do to please this person. The next day, the bumpers were all dried out. It was like trying to push a bolder through a fence hole. I tell him about this and he says, “Oh. Well I guess we will have to order new ones then.” Fine, right? Wrong. I come back from my Thanksgiving vacation to hear him tell me that it’s all my fault. I ask, “How?” To which he replies, “There was no air in the bag. I said leave it air-tight.” Which I then explain to him that, “Where I am from, air-tight means no air in the bag at all. I don’t know how you people define air-tight, but I was always sure it mean no air.” He then stormed off in a fit of rage to smoke some grass in his office (which he did 90% of the day to leave me to do all the work that had to be done. Thanks man.) About an hour later he comes out and says, “Oh by the way, I just talked to the guy in the office and he says we have to send them back cause they sent us a bad shipment. Sorry for blaming you.” Wow. That’s kind of when I knew I was going to lose my mind working there.

- Now, going back to something I said earlier, he would always sit in his office for 90% of the day to smoke pot and play his guitar. ALL WHILE GETTING FUCKING PAID FOR IT!!!!!!! I would love to be able to sit there and get fucked up and play guitar all day. I really would. But when I see there is work to be done in the warehouse, I DO IT!!!!! Then, get this, he would always go on about how he’s not lazy and could work circles around anyone. BULLSHIT! The only times I ever saw him do anything physical is when he would get up to take a piss, or leave the building all together to score more pot. But he’s not lazy at all now is he? TWIT!!!!

- Then there was the warehouse fridge. If someone ordered pizza or something, it would have to be wrapped in aluminum foil and put in a ziplock bag because the smell of food made him want to throw up!?!?! HAVE YOU EVER HEARD ANYTHING THAT OBSURD!?!?!?
So just to piss this person off, I would go to the corner store and pick up a burrito, eat half of it, and set it in the fridge til my shift was over with the foil wide open so the smell would ferment in the fridge. (Evil right?)

Anyway, the place is all closed up now. I got laid off in November and from what I can tell, he is out of a job. I would love to see where he is working now. I just wanna know if he can pull off the kind of shit he did when I worked for him. But come on. No boss is going to stand for that kind of shit. He’d be fired in a heartbeat. But that is my story of the annoying co-worker. I think back on it now and think, ” Wow, getting stabbed in the throat multiple times while another guy puts cigarettes out on my forehead would be more enjoyable then working for that guy again.

Time now for the SECOND OPINION!!!! With me, as usual, is Shaye. Take it away :

With any job you’ve had or are going to have, there’s at least one co-worker who drives you absolutely insane. I’m not, however, just speaking of those general annoyances that anyone can provide. What I speak of is the insanity that drives you to think that you may, in fact, be able to actually murder someone. I, myself, have dealt with a person who inflicts such rage in me for the past year of employment. In order for you to properly understand my severe hatred, I need to give you a bit of a back story (and uhm, sit through it, you’ll understand).

Here goes: A year ago in April 2008, I was in a very bad car accident that caused a break in my knee and I, subsequently, needed surgery. I had no idea I’d be out as long as I was and work, being as kind as they could, kept my job open for me once I got back. They did, however, bring in someone to cover where I left off (my main job is to answer phones, schedule appointments, keep the office in order). This person was supposed to be temporary, once I got back, she was to be gone. Not the case. She’s still working in my company.

I’ve got several issues with her. Most of them involve her being a huge idiot. I’ll start from when I first met her.

1. The ONLY reason she was hired was because she was married to a guy already working there. If that’s not incestuous enough for you, then her, her husband, and my boss have all been friends since high school. Their kids (used to) hang out every weekend. So that turned into a whole lot of fun. I don’t know how it was when she first started, but once I returned to work, as soon as my boss would leave, her and the husband would get to arguing in the conference room (right outside of my office). I don’t know about you, but as much as I LOVE gossip, I don’t need this fucking drama AT WORK. So after a few weeks of that, divorce proceedings started. It was wonderful to have someone at work who hated her as much as I did, but it did kind of get old when they’d both come to me, bitching about the other. Soon after the divorce, the (now) ex-husband was let go; it was a “mutual agreement.” aka my boss finally got tired of their crap. NOW HE JUST NEEDS TO GET RID OF HER!!!!!!!

2. She was brought on to take over where I left off. This means, answering the phones, scheduling, message taking (we don’t have a voicemail system), and general office organization duties. Tell me why it took me two months to clean up the messes she caused. Tell me why that now, over a year after she was initially hired, she still has NO IDEA what it is that I do. She cannot take information from a customer (she doesn’t know what questions to ask), she doesn’t understand the concept of a fucking scheduling calendar, she can’t do a damn thing.

3. Now that I’m back, she only has two real duties: Collections and Payroll. Every paycheck, I have to check my stubs to make sure I was given the proper hours and also the proper bonus and overtime. Every single pay period, there’s something wrong with my check. I’d be more understanding if we didn’t have a TWO WEEK LAG on our bi-weekly checks. Yeah so for the hours I work this week, I won’t get a check for damn near another month. This is just because she’s fucking slow. And for any of you who have ever owed money and had debt collectors call you, you know that they’re annoying sons-a-bitches and they keep on keep on keep on calling til you give them money. Yeah, she thinks it’s a good idea to email people or mail them a letter but not call ever. Maybe that’s why we’re still owed a really large sum of money……..hmmmmmm.

I’m going to end this little rant with one last bit of fun. Bitch was started at $7 MORE an hour than I was. I just now got up to being $4.50/hr under her wage. She only works 10am – 3pm and bitches about her finances, how she has no money for a trip she planned to go see her parents in Florida. Every time I go on vacation, it takes me twice as long as my planned trip to clean up after her fucking horrid mess. Oh and instead of having her own office, my boss decided it was a good idea to move her stupid, angry divorcee ass into my office. Not only do I get to hear her pit her kids against their father, I get to hear her scold her children for being stupid assholes.

I really could keep going, but I think I’ve bored everyone enough with this mess. Hopefully I don’t end up killing her before she’s fired (if my boss ever follows through with that claim).

lates, dudes!

Thank you Shaye.

Well this concludes this weeks edition of LaHtLI!!! Feel free to leave your experiences in the comment forum down below. Remember though, NO NAMES!!! Join me next time when I discuss how an air mattress can be used in several other ways besides sleeping.

Piss off.

YEEEEEEE HAWWWWWW MOTHER BITCHES!!!!!!

Hello and welcome to another edition of your new favorite blog, Life and how to Live It!!!! Today we will tackle a subject that really pisses me off…. wait for it…. that’s right kids, country music. So dust off your stetson hats and ass-less chaps cause we’s going to the ho down.

Now I was raised on old country music. Johnny Cash, Hank Williams (Sr. not Jr. cause Jr. is just a waste of time) Loretta Lynn the list goes on. I still like those older ones for one reason…. IT WAS FUCKING REAL!!!!!! Those people I listed wrote their own shit. These days, you have a team of something like 60 writers in Nashville who all write about the same subjects : Wal-Mart, being a Republican, Tractors and how they are all just simple folks. And trust me, it’s painful to listen to. It’s almost as painful as a lobster with a tight grip on your pupil. Here are the bullet points for today.

#1: She Thinks My Fucking Tractor is Sexy : Wow. Could you get anymore literal than that? Now think about it, southern or not, no woman in her right mind could think a big hunk of John Deer’s green hard steal could be fucking attractive in any way. My question is, who are these writers? How in the world would they think that was a good idea for a song? Can you imagine the meeting they all had while shitting this turd out?

“Hey Bill!” “Yes Earl?” “I have this masterpiece called she thinks my tractors sexy. All the queer beating shit stompers in Texas are going to love this one!!!”

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! Is this what America has become? Do we get that sucked into some sort of stereotypical bullshit? I heard one not to long ago about how this suck fuck was going on a date and couldn’t decide if he wanted to take his pick up truck or his fucking tractor!!!!!!!!!!! FUCKKKKKK!!!! YOU WOULD NOT DRIVE A TRACTOR INTO ANY TOWN!!!!!!!!! Enough with the tractors already Nashville, we get it. You failed the drivers test and now you have to drive a tractor to Wal-Mart. I beg of you though, no more.

#2: The cow-pokes we call “artists” : Now I always thought that if you were going to become a country singer, shouldn’t you be from America? Right. There is an Australian born singer named Keith Urban. You might know him, he’s Nicole Kidman’s bitch. It’s so funny with him, cause you can just look at him and tell he has never listened to that brand of music in his life. You can tell by the faded Boston and Cheap Trick t-shirts and the ripped up jeans, he is a failed rock artist who decided the easiest way to make a quick buck in the music world was to form a bad rock band and add a fiddle! Brilliant! Nicole must be very proud Keith. I know I would be. (excuse me while I puke)

Another one I cannot stand is Toby Keith. This guy is the supposed All-American! I believe he is the anti-christ. You can argue with me on this, but I don’t care. Toby Keith stands for everything that is wrong with this country today. Take for example the Dixie Chicks thing. They were doing a show and said that they were ashamed to be from Texas. In all honesty, I would be too. But that’s all they said. It’s not like they came out with voodoo dolls and pins and started shoving them in the rectum of a pin cushion dressed up like a soldier. But of course, Toby Keith has to come in like fucking Batman and save the day. Saying how they are not supporting the troops properly. This then prompted the song Brought To You Courtesy of the Red White and Spooge Blue. How we will put a boot in your ass cause its the American way!?!?! That’s why people are dying Toby. Stubborn American egos, fighting for oil and control. If you had any sense in the piddly little raisin you call a brain, you would be protesting to bring the boys home. Anyway, the whole thing with him and The Dixie Chicks was as annoying as listening to fat people arguing over the last slice of cake. I mean, all they did was say they were ashamed of the president we had at the time. I think everyone eventually agreed right? But because they have an opinion that differs from Toby’s, they get black listed while this freedom fucking toad has countless number one albums. I seriously hope one day, his body becomes infested with volcanic boils. I bet he calls french fries freedom fries.

Anyway, lets see what others think of this in a segment I call, “The Second Opinion.”

Unlike Tony, I was raised on completely different music, but I sure as shit grew up in Southern Delaware aka disgusting-rednecks-galore-ville. This alone makes me an expert in this disgusting music….obviously. I’m serious, though. In my 2nd grade music class, we learned to SQUARE DANCE to Billy Ray Cyrus’ wonderful tune “Achy Breaky Heart.” That tractor song Tony mentioned above….yeah…totally played at my high school prom. Forgot to mention that most guys who attended my prom were wearing cowboy boots and stetsons with their tux’s. Yeahhhhh that’s some classy shit right there.

Now let me tell you….I had some classmates who, and I’m not even lying about this, drove their tractors to school and also to work. Sooooo…..yeahhhhhh you can totes take a date out on a tractor! I am in no way condoning it, but it’s totally do-able, sorry to tell ya, Tony.

Let’s also discuss the fact that these country singers are going on and on about being good ol country boys who are “simple folk.” As far as I know, simple folk don’t get married to oh….Renee Zellweger or Nicole Kidman. They also don’t get to travel the world on tour (or just travel the world in general). I’m fairly certain that every “cowboy” from my high school is now suffering in a single wide trailer with about four kids. Not as glamorous as one might think.

I’m going to end it there because, like I said earlier, I refuse to participate in political talks. That’s a whole different subject and I’d like to keep myself the fuck out of it.

lates, dudes!

Thank you very much Shaye. It sure sounds to me like Southern Delaware is the pitt of Hell. Yikes….

Anyway, that’s all. Thanks for reading. Join me next time when I interview the monkeys at the Lincoln Park Zoo about the iphone 3G s. I’m sure they have a strong opinion about that.

Piss off!

The Bigger The Reality Show…

Hello all of you out there. Nice to see you again. Hope your week has been very eventful and non-lame.

Today I would like to tackle the hard-hitting subject of reality shows. But not just any type of reality show (cause I pretty much hate all of them, I figured pick one kind and stick with it otherwise my ass would be in this chair all day!) no no kids, we will be talking about the fatty reality show.

From the Biggest Loser to this new one I see called Dance Your Ass Off, I mean what the fuck people? Is everyone that willing to watch a train-wreck, tearful, brain dead thing? Listen, I’m not exactly Brad Pitt (thank you for the people out there who think I am. Not that any of you exist…) but I think putting yourself on some stupid ass reality show to make a quick buck and spend up your fifteen minutes of fame is just plain sick. Now, of course, who could forget the classic moments on The Jerry Springer Show with big fat women throwing wedding cakes at fat dudes (ew)? It was entertaining for about 30 seconds and then you realize that its fat people throwing cake at each other? Yikes!!! These shows are probably a step up for the fat community. (wow did I just give a compliment to a group of people on this blog? I must be getting old..) However, I’m tired of turning on my television day in and day out to find another stupid reality game show about GOD KNOWS FUCKING WHAT!?!?!?!?!!?!?

Now, The Biggest Loser, I would take that show seriously if I knew they weren’t doing it for a CASH FUCKING PRIZE AT THE END!!!!!! That’s like getting your over-weight child to loose three pounds and you reward that child with a chocolate doughnut a big gulp of cherry coke. IT DOESN’T TEACH YOU A LESSON!!!!!! Jesus, I wish people would just fucking do something for themselves without the benefit of dolla dolla bills being thrown about. In fact, I’m going on a diet. As of this moment, I will be going on a diet. And get this, I won’t be getting paid for losing weight! No no, I will do it with the sheer satisfaction of knowing that when I do lose a good amount of weight I will look like Brad Pitt (wait wait, no thats not right. Brad Pitt’s not pale like me. Doesn’t….you know fuck Brad Pitt….He’s worthless anyway) My point with that show is, don’t fucking bribe people to lose weight. Is this what the people of this country have become?

Dance Your Ass Off : WHY!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?! I read about this and just shook my head in pure shock. Sure, a little dancing is fun. Losing weight at the same time, also fun. DON’T FUCKING TELEVISE IT THOUGH!!!!!!!! Good christ people. Are we that out of ideas in Hollywood that we cannot come up with a decent show anymore? Holy shit man. I saw a preview for one, where the girl was pole dancing and oh God, I don’t care to talk about this anymore.

I know I can change the channel. Trust me, I do. But my biggest problem is that these “helpful” TV shows turn away people who aren’t “fat enough!” Oh well thats great innit? That just means Billy Jim Bob Ducksworthy is just going to go home, order a fuck-load of food and gravy beverage, so that way next time, he can be deemed fat enough by a panel of “fitness experts.” The people behind these shows are evil. They exploit to the struggle of large people for ratings while trying to bribe them with money. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!! GET A GRIP ON REALITY YOU’RE BIG NOT STUPID!!!!!! I don’t know what else to say. I’m totally against these shows. Wait, here’s one more for you…

Celebrity Fit Club : There is nothing like seeing a bunch of pampered celebs complaining about some dress that don’t fit them no more. And we all know what happens. They come on the show to revive the career thats sitting in the shock trauma unit of the Hollywood Hospice waiting to officially be pronounced dead, act like they wanna loose weight and then during the course of the whole thing, when they are not at camp, they eat like they have been starved or something. These people I do not feel sorry for at all. They put on a hell of a show, go home and eat like a fucking A-bomb was heading right for the fridge. There was one who didn’t loose anything cause she didn’t try, but in her head just being there was good enough, she was modeling some plus size thong thing and all I could think was, “Wow. It looks like a walrus flossing. That time on that show really helped you didn’t it!?!?!” Anyway, that show is a mess too. Do they even still do that?

Ok folks, this week we are trying something new at the LHTLI blog. I’m getting a second opinion on this subject. Please welcome Shaye to the blog. Take it away :

i‘m the first to admit that i LOVE shows featuring fatties. whether it be them making asses of themselves (most people on the stupid i survived a japanese gameshow) or losing a lot of weight. it has come to my attention recently (see: the last two weeks) that there’s a new dating show…..just for fatties….modeled after the bachelor.

uhm ok i have a few gigantic issues here (harhar).

1. it’s the bachelor for fatties. there’s a fat bachelor and fat female contestants. i realize you have to have pretty low self esteem to even go on a game show anyway (unless, of course, you’re daisy de la hoya — rock of love fame, if you don’t know, look her up). but these poor women are already crying just on the effing previews because men “judge them by their appearance” uhmmmmmmm sorry to burst your bubbles, girls, but fat dudes still judge by appearance. in fact, i know several who refuse to date fat girls. anyway, it’s going to be a bunch of “it’s not your appearance, we just don’t click” bullshit when they get eliminated and these girls are just going to go home, straight for the fridge, raid the shit and then get all “omg it’s cause i’m fat.” cause that’s what girls do. obviously.

2. it’s (more) socially acceptable for a dude to be overweight than it is for a girl. i’m not sure why and i don’t like it either. i’m not the smallest person out there, nor am i the most confident. but i’m not putting myself out there on a fucking dating gameshow because i’m too pathetic to get a date without the help of awful cable tv show producers.

so, since i only get one damn channel anymore (c’mon fios, i neeeeed you), you can guarandamntee that i’ll be watching the shit out of this show. until next time, lates dudes!

Alright, thank you Shaye. Very well done.

Hope everyone enjoyed this weeks addition of Life and How to Live It. Join me next time when I decide to tell random people that I’m really Superman just to see if they’ll believe me.

.

Piss Off!

Michael Jackson/Peter King

Hello!!! Now I rarely do this (you know, two posts in one week) but I felt this had to have my take on it. This time, I would like to talk about the comments Peter King made about a dead man.

Ok, so Peter King is your typical Republican, rob from the poor, give to the rich and have a good time doing it. This should be enough to make you a little angry considering all the people who read this are either working stiffs or unemployed due to the shit state of the economy. Alright, this is not about that though. This guy has the nerve to come out in a video statement, while his family is still grieving mind you, and call Michael Jackson a “Pervert” and a “Pedophile.” Wow. That’s ballsy. Now look, I’m no huge fan of Michael (let’s face it, dude was fucking weird the past few years) but this just strikes me as insensitive. But, then again what was I expecting from a patriot? Sure, we all know we are fighting a war overseas. WE KNOW THAT PETE!!!! THANKS FOR REMINDING US YOU SMELLY FERMENTED TURTLE BRAIN!!!!!!

So yeah, MJ was a little weird the past few years (hanging his kid over a balcony, the 2005 child fondling case, the list goes on…) but the man is dead. Shit is going to be crazy for awhile. Just like Elvis, who, like MJ, was quite weird himself towards the end of his shit…. life. You know, the eating of big bowls of bacon while tickling the ivories. Having naked girls wrestle with a monkey. The fact that he was the size of a whale bladder in a rhinestone jump-suit. The point is, people still worship him for his weirdness. MJ was found not guilty in 2005. So therefore it all becomes just an allegation. Which means, for the term impaired out there, it’s a CLAIM to be fact. So how would Peter King know? Oh thats right!!!! You can just look at someone and tell that can’t you?

To be honest, they both kind of look suspicious to me. But that my friends is an ALLEGATION!!!!

Stating once again, I’m not a Michael Jackson fan. I just think this is the cruelest thing to say about anyone who is dead. And  you know what? If Peter King is such a patriot, why doesn’t he come out everyday and list the last five soldiers who have died. (thank you for the idea High-Pitched Mike) I also think he’s pissed off that when he dies, he will not be remember like that. No way! His death will be a footnote in some news paper that said he died while free basing his own excrement. OOPS!!!! THATS AN ALLEGATION TOO!!!!! But come on, isn’t it politicians who cry about values and morals and so on, then they are the ones caught with some cheap hooker with a skin rash named cookie.

Also, if you wanna get technical, hasn’t the Catholic church been under scrutiny for the longest time about sexual acts with choir boys? Of course, that is an allegation too, but since Peter King is above that kind of thing, why does he not hate on them? Think about it people……. Has it sunken in yet? Good! Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

To wrap this article up (and thank you for reading two this week) Peter King should not be removed from office. Let him continue his ways of life. One day, it will catch up with him when he’s penny-less and alone just sort of waiting around to die. I quote the Johnny Cash song, “Sooner or later God will cut you down!”

Piss off.

Sarah Palin

Hello all. Nice to see you are reading again. This week we shall talk about Sarah Palin and whoever else is on my shitlist. Shall we begin? Ok, let’s go.

-Sarah Palin : Where do you even begin with this insane suitcase of stupid? Let’s start where all of us first met her. The presidential election. So as you may or may not remember (if you don’t remember a few months back, wow. That’s all I can say) in September of 2008, it was announced that John McCain’s running mate was going to be Sarah Palin. My first reaction was, WHO!?!?! Then you find out all about her. That was shocking. First off, whoever told McCain this would be a good running mate for him I hope has been fired and collecting unemployment. That was just stupid. This woman has no sense of life in the real world. She thinks cause she can Russia she’s educated in some sort of foreign policy. I was waiting for her to say, “Because I drink Russian Vodka to help forget the fact that I’m stupid, I know Russian policies. In fact, I feel sometimes I am Russian!” That would have been perfect, and come on, you know she thinks that when she cracks open her bottle of Stoli. This further proves that advanced state of idiocy she is experiencing. Then, there is the hunting of animals from a fucking helicopter!!!! Cause nothing says fun like shooting an animal from hundreds of feet off the ground. That really proves something. I guess I don’t get it cause I’ve never felt the rush of shooting down some animal in blaze of glory, but I kinda think thats wrong. Ok, ok, I’ve lost sight of things it seems. Let’s focus…… Ok. So anyway, McCain lost. I won’t go as far as to blame her for it. I’m sure she is mostly to blame but I also think at that point, everyone had had enough of the whole republican reign. But what really irks me is that SHE WON’T GO AWAY!!!!!! After the election, there were talks of a book deal worth millions to tell her story. I’m sure it will be available to all the elementary schools in Alaska, cause you know it will probably be at a third grade reading level. Then, there was the David Letterman thing. This really pissed me off. The way I saw it, it was more of a crack at A-Rod for being a man-whore, not at her daughter. Even so though, we all knew what daughter he was talking about. The one who got knocked up. Now this is where the hypocrisy kicks in. Her whole thing is NO SEX TIL MARRIAGE!!!!!!!! I guess she didn’t have time to teach her kids that while being the only pit bull with lipstick on at some hockey game. Interesting. Even Mr. Palin said that his grandchild was “a mistake.” Nice Grandpa. What’s the kid going to get for Christmas this year from it’s grandparents? An animal head stuffed with it’s own shit and a fork to plug into an electrical socket? This is what really pisses me off. It is not 1950 anymore. People can use protection to have sex. Now, I’m not saying go out and fuck the first person you see! No! But we have found ways to protect ourselves from STD’s and pregnancy! If you’re daughter was smart at all, she would have made Levi suit up for the expedition! Guess she has the smarts of her mother. Anyway, the whole Letterman thing was so blown out of proportion. The joke was not offensive, it was taken out of context because she saw a way to get back in the media spotlight. Then, Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and that long list of deaths we’ve had take over the media. She feels the need to one up the dead! SHE RESIGNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCKING BRILLIANT!!!!!!! Her claim is something along the lines of her family being scrutinized and her ethics being questioned. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! That is politics, bitch. If you are going to be that over the top or even just be in the media spotlight, you will be critiqued about alot of things you do. Grow up! I mean, this is just as sad as watching Paula Abdul try to spit out a sentence thats not in fragments. You just know it’s not going to work out in her favor. The point of it all is Sarah Palin just needs to go away. To me, she symbolizes everything that is wrong with America these days. Step into the 21st century. It won’t hurt. I promise!

Ok, so that was as painful as watching Meet the Fockers, but I do believe that had to be said. Also, I would like to make it clear that I’m neither Republican nor am I a Democrat. I believe in me. That’s it. There is no political figure head I look up to cause I trust them as much as I would trust a pedophile with a child. I believe, for the most part, most are corrupt and only in the game for personal gain. So I just wanted to make it clear I endorse no one!

Anyway, I know I promised to talk about someone else, but I’m pretty drained. I’ll make up for it next week when I discuss monkeys who throw shit at little kids who are on a field trip to the zoo.

Til next time, Piss off.

The World Is Falling Apart…

Hello out there. The anger train is pulling in and has a few things to say before moving on the next stop. (ok that was kinda lame but go with it. If you think you can do better, start your own.) Here are a few things that have pissed me off in the last few weeks.

Number 1 : Perez Hilton : Now I do visit his website from time to time and find some of it rather entertaining. With that said, I also find some of it to be rather coarse and not worth it. Like the time he called Adam Sandler’s kid ugly. Really? Who the fuck does that? He’s said other things that aren’t necessary as well but I would be here for hours typing shit up and let’s face it, I’m a lazy bastard. So, anyway, last week at some point, the manager of the Black Eyed Peas supposedly punched him in the face for saying he didn’t like one of their songs and calling Fergie fugly. (she kind of is and she also pisses herself. How attractive) However I can get away with saying that kind of shit cause three people read this blasted thing. The point is, when you are in the spotlight like that, you have to be aware of the fact that if you say something horrible about someone, shit is bound to happen. Now look, I don’t condone the violent actions that have been reported as happening, but this guy is going to have to realize, if you are going to be famous (and why the fuck is he famous?) and talk shit about someone, chances are, shit is not going to work out in your favor. Plus he kind of brought it on himself. If the shit for brains would have just ducked out of the clubs and went back to the hotel instead of calling will.i.am the f-word (you know the word. I don’t have to spell it) none of this would have happened probably. But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, he had to push it. So the real question is, did he get what he deserved? Probably. What this guys needs to understand is, he has no talent. NONE! You know what? EVERYONE NEEDS TO LEARN THIS GUY HAS NO TALENT!!!!!!! He’s just another wannabe. It gets under my skin that this no talent dangling tampon is a millionaire and I’m still unemployed and broke. You know what else pisses me off? That whole Miss California thing. Ok, the bitch is nuts. She’s got the intellect of a guy trying to fry an egg on a tray of ice, but don’t we still live in America? I guess that whole free speech thing has limitations. Now I do think gay people should have the right to get married, but there are going to be people who don’t obviously. However, because Perez did not hear the answer he wanted, he went on this one-man smear-campaign to tarnish her image. Come on though. Was that really needed? Obviously she’s fucking stupid. She’s on a stage being judged by a bunch of horny old men, who have not seen vagina in person since their last social security checks. Now, I don’t blame him for saying what he feels cause he obviously feels strongly about that subject. However, she feels she’s right too and that should be fine. The fact that this subject got so much media attention is sickening while we have bigger issues going on in the world. Who cares if Miss California doesn’t want gay people to get married? WHO GIVES A SHIT!?!?!?! It’s such a boring subject, it’s like watching old people eat. Get over it Perez. Get over it. Wow. Land of the free (under order of political correctness) Home of the brave (if you have the balls to be attacked verbally by some shit head with a computer)

Alright enough of him! Damn man. I think I need a smoke. Light them if you got ‘em.

Number 2 : Jon and Kate plus 8 : These fame seeking, de-eveoluted, mindless “parents” should fucking worry about their kids for once instead of their bank accounts. I saw a video of this so called mother with her children. They were doing some TV promotion and the one little girl was thirsty and wanted a drink of water. So what does Kate say? “No!!! We don’t have time!!” Then she asks for a bottle of water and drinks it right in front of her little girl!!! YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!?!?! What kind of parenting is that? The name of the show should be changed to another mathematical problem. Jon and Kate plus hate equal eight minus loving parents. These kids are going to be so fucked up when they get older. You don’t believe me? Fine. We’ll see in ten years time when the “mother” is spending all the money she made from the show on some guy who treats her like a whore while the kids are trying their best to keep their heads above water. And you can just tell she is so miserable with 8 kids. Something you should of thought of when you injected yourself with a fertility drug to make you have six kids at once you fucking idiot. However, you had them, and it’s not fair to the kids for you to be such a butt cheek to them. So fucking suck it up and raise your children with the love they need so they don’t become a liter of unibombers. No wonder Jon went off and had an affair with another woman. Maybe she’s not as bitchy as Kate is. But, honestly, who gives a shit right? Right!

Well folks, this concludes this weeks blog. Join me next time as I discuss tables, chairs and grammatical errors within the bible.

Piss off.

DTV Yet Again…

Hello all. I’m here to bitch, yet again, about the digital transition that has just occurred…and has destroyed my wild night life of tv based shenanigans. This shitty ass, stupid, no good crap has failed me once again. Here’s the story :

So back in April, I bought one of these digital boxes since I cannot afford cable. So I get one, come home, hook it up, and I have probably 4 channels. Now as I came to find out later, some of the channels had not gone to the digital effect yet, so my anger kinda went away about it. That is until June 12th, 2009. I’m sitting there waiting for the rapture of analog sets at noon. 11:59, the tv goes out. So they tell you to re-scan your box to pick up the new channels. So I’m sitting there like, “fucking sweet!!” The re-scan finishes, I now have three new channels. I’m not ecstatic at this point, but just happy enough to smile a little. So I flick the switch to see how it comes in….. IT WAS A BLACK FUCKING SCREEN!!!!!!! Now I’m a little irritated but figured fuck it you know? Maybe it was just too early and they haven’t got everything figured out right yet. I just figured I would try again the next day and get all my quality programming back. WRONG! The next day comes and I re-scan thinking this is it. This time though….. I lost channels. Oh yeah. That’s right. Lost CHANNELS!!!!! Now, in an attempt to figured this shit out, I head over to the dtvanswers.com web site to scope out what to do. What these coarse, lame-brained, horse-toothed jack asses neglect to tell you is, you need an antenna to get the best reception. But I thought if you were switching to digital you would get rid of the rabbit ears wouldn’t you? I mean, thats what one would think. Being broke though, I cannot afford to buy an antenna. Just isn’t going to happen. So I say, “Hey, it’s alright. I’ll just watch the 6 or 7 shitty networks I have now.” But, of course, something goes wrong. I’ll let you guess how many channels I have right now…………………………………………………………………………………………………….go ahead, guess………………………………………………………………….. 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ONE!!!!!!!! UNO!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCKING ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and we all know one is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do (by the way, what the fuck does that mean? I guess that’ll be the next blog) I give up digital age. You win prick. You have defeated me. But you can still go fuck yourself.

I think I’m pissed off (still) that this had to happen. This is a technology that has not been perfected, yet the normal people of the world who don’t want, or can’t afford an $80 cable bill, are either having to get this box that is obviously pure shit, or scrape and save to have 900 channels of shit to choose from. Now, I know what you must be thinking, “Tony, why are you always so angry?” That is because I’m really an 87 year old man trapped in the fat suit of a 23 year old shit head  I call Tony. (that will probably be another blog) But I’m angry at this cause now when I stumble home drunk from the tuck on Wednesdays, or when I wanna watch American Idol Rewind (fuck you. you watch it too and you know it) or whatever the case may be, I cannot not. Fuck you FCC. I hope your sphincter muscle deteriorates and you shit yourself repeatedly til you die a horrible, smelly and shameful death. But I digress.

Well folks, thats all for today. Join me next time when I discuss the album Don’t B Scared by the rap duo Young Murder Squad and how I would compare them to being musical messiahs. HAHAHAHAHA, ok so I won’t.

Piss off.